Fine

Chapter 12

Reason number three thousand seven hundred and twenty five that having homophobic parents when I'm desperately trying not to be gay sucks:

I want to avoid them, so I go to Jordan's house more often.

It's not discreet, it's impossible to be discreet when avoiding them, because even though I've never had a close, open relationship with either of my parents, I've always been at home to watch football with them and things like that.

So obviously, they start to notice; I can tell simply by the way they frown a little when I get home late every day, hours after school or football practice ends.

I realize that if I continue avoiding them, staying at Jordan's house after school until late enough that I miss watching football with my family (which means missing the commercials, and my dad ranting about how gay people shouldn't be shown on TV), then they'll eventually get to a point where they'll ask me:

'What's wrong?'

At which point, I'd have to come up with an excuse that would hardly be believable because my parents aren't dumb and they can tell when I'm lying.

But I can't tell them the truth, because the truth is that I can't deal with their disgusting homophobia because all of my best friends are gay and I've never been attracted to a girl in my life, and even if I left out that last part, they'd still be mad that I'm not homophobic like them.

And they'd start watching me more closely. They'd be curious if I didn't give a reason.

Even if they didn't find out about what goes on in my head- every person I hang out with is gay. Jordan and Chase are dating. My parents would be furious if they found out that the quarterback of the football team I'm on, and my best friend to boot, is anything other than straight.

And then their actions would be anyone's guess: ban me from seeing Jordan, make me quit the team, transfer me to a different school- at the very, very least, they'd question me. To make sure I'm not gay, too.

'Did he ever try to come onto you?'

'Did he ever try to pressure you into being gay?'

And then, the one I absolutely cannot answer:

'You're not gay, right?'

I suck at lying to my parents. And I'd be so terrified of getting caught that I'd be sweating bullets and my pulse would be skyrocketing and they'd know. And then- I wouldn't put it past them- they'd probably kick me out of the house.

So that's reason number whatever-long-number-I-said-earlier why an obviously sucky situation sucks even more.

And yes, I know that me hanging out at Jordan's house more than usual doesn't necessarily mean all of this would happen, but it could. And I'm scared and paranoid. So, I'm not willing to chance it.

I stop avoiding my parents.

I sit through the commercials while my dad mutters disgusted insults at the entire gay community (and occasionally allies, which I don't want to deny includes me), and my mother agrees with him.

Every word feels like a punch to the gut, made ten times worse coming from my parents.

And I just pray that they chalk up my silence and pained expression to the fact that I'm uncomfortable with whatever they're uncomfortable with, or something that won't make them ask me about my sexuality.

On Saturday, Jordan comes to my house and we play football with my neighbours (this is a pretty good idea for me: avoiding my parents but still at the house so it's less obvious that I'm avoiding them). We go to football practice together, then come back to my house. Around dinner, Jordan informs me that we're going out with Chase and Levi. He says this to me while my mom is in the same room, which is great because then she doesn't think it's my idea to leave, but I still get to escape dinner with my parents.