Fine

Chapter 4

WARNING: HOMOPHOBIA

Jordan smirks at me as we start towards our lockers. I raise an eyebrow at him. "What?"

He rolls his eyes. "Don't give me that. I saw the way you were looking at him."

"Who?" I know what he's talking about. I was definitely looking at Levi a little longer than necessary a minute ago, when I spotted him in the hallway. Also, I spotted him in the hallway (this is reason enough for Jordan to tease me). Very easily.

"Levi."

"I wasn't looking at Levi in a specific way. We're friends, so I waved."

Lying to Jordan is a lost cause. And much, much more difficult than lying to myself. Partially because when I lie to myself, I actually accept that as the truth. Jordan? Not a chance.

"Nate, I know you like him."

"I'm not gay, Jordan."

"Okay, sure. You still like him."

We get to our lockers, and I focus on opening mine (hesitating to answer but hiding it well) before saying, "We're friends. That's all there is to it."

I'm kind of trying to avoid directly denying that I like Levi, because then when Jordan tells me I'm lying...

"You want to be more, though," he insists, and I give him a look.

"You get that from me waving at Levi? Because last time I checked, waving at someone wasn't a declaration of love."

"Please. We've been having this argument for a while, I think I know what I'm talking about."

"It's me we're talking about, I think I know myself better than you do."

He scoffs. "Right. Because I knew myself well enough to identify that the main thing interfering in my relationship with Chase was the fact that we're both really proud, instead of just assuming it was impossible because he's really difficult sometimes."

He's got a point. I had to tell him, and even then he tried to argue with me. "I know both of us better than you do, then."

"Nate, I can see how much you want him every time you look at him. It's like you can't look away. Like me with Chase. And you can see how that worked out."

"Jordan, I'm not gay."

"I'm not, either. Just because I like a guy doesn't mean my attraction to girls has completely vanished. All I'm saying is that you like Levi."

"Yes. As a friend."

He sighs as the first period bell rings. "Fine, then. Whatever. Be in denial for all I care."

That sentiment will last until about lunchtime. "I think you're delusional. Did you hit your head when you got sacked during the game yesterday? Or did you hit your head during some other violent activities last night?"

He makes a face at me, but he's gone a bit red. "Shut up and go to class."

I smirk. "Don't be too nauseating with Chase in biology!"

He sticks his tongue out at me, and I would have definitely made a comment about Chase if I hadn't been out of earshot by now. So instead I just roll my eyes as I walk to my first class, and I tell myself that Jordan is just looking for something to tease me about. I don't actually want Levi as more than a friend. Not at all.

Not at all.

Jordan is the only real hitch in my otherwise flawless compromise of allowing myself to look at guys but not think about what I see. Because I can tell myself that the fact that I notice things about guys means nothing, since I don't myself go any further than that, but Jordan knows me possibly better than I know myself. So when he says that I'm looking at Levi like-