Fine

Chapter 16

I watch as Levi pulls away from my house and drives off. And then I continue to stare out the window at nothing in particular. I feel so awful that I feel numb, at this point.

I shouldn't have gone to the club.

I shouldn't have stayed that long.

I shouldn't have let her sit with me.

I shouldn't have ignored my phone.

I shouldn't have talked to her like I might have been interested.

I shouldn't have ignored my phone the second time.

I shouldn't have let her kiss me. And I definitely shouldn't have kissed her back.

I shouldn't have kissed Levi the third time. Or the second time. Or the first time.

I shouldn't have done any of the things that I've done in the past week or two or three.

My life feels like it's out of place, now. Like before it was existing in two separate places- one that I lived, and one that I kept distant- and now it's all been mashed together and it doesn't fit in either of the places it used to be anymore.

I go upstairs to my room, but I don't even want to try to go to sleep. It seems like an insurmountable task, falling asleep. So instead, I find a pile of loose leaf paper and try to figure things out.

Levi was right. I shouldn't have involved him in the way that I did (three times)- and I probably shouldn't have let the girl involve herself either. I need to figure this out for myself, and I need to do it without hurting someone else in the process.

I start by making a list of things that I'm feeling, without regard for what those things may mean (and yes, I plan to shred this list at school and dump the remains in seven different garbage cans in at least two separate locations, none of which will be my house).

List of things I feel:

Guilty for involving Levi and the girl in my personal problems

Kind of horrible for kissing the girl

I didn't like kissing her

I liked kissing Levi

I want to kiss Levi again

I want to be able to kiss Levi whenever I want

I feel horrible for hurting him at least three times

Miserable because my parents are homophobic

I wish my parents weren't homophobic because then I could be gay or straight or whatever I actually am

Am I actually gay?

I like looking at guys

I like guys

I literally only like guys

But not all guys necessarily

Is that gay or selectively gay

Is selectively gay a thing

Is all attraction selective

If I was straight, would I only like certain girls

I wish I had something to work off of

I wish I could be okay enough with the possibility of being gay that I could actually look into it without freaking out

I wish my parents weren't homophobic

I wish I was actually straight

No I don't