Sarcasm | Five Hargreeves (The Umbrella Academy)

Chapter 37

Y/N returned home that night, only to find out Five only got to say brief words to Reginald and even then did Reginald say he didn't understand before sitting in the car with Grace. The real Grace.

Now that practically "all hope was lost", the dysfunctional team of what we can pretend where called heroes sat around the kitchen table while the human ape made scrambled eggs.

"Hey, Y/N. Luther's making eggs in the kitchen. It's not something we expected but at least we have a housewife now," Five said as he peaked his head into the doorway of the living room.

"So he's finally on our side now, the time we already flunked something we hoped to achieve," Y/N shook her head as she threw away a book of celestial antibodies. "That thing's crap. No one in the 60s can get a dang thing right."

"Hey, I'm sorry that plan didn't work last night, and that I'm the reason we got caught, but we need to get back on track now. We can't afford to be sitting ducks. We can start with a good breakfast."

"I'd prefer being a sitting duck over being met with disappointment again, you disappointment."

Five frowned and crossed his arms. "That's not fair."

"Nothing's fair if you haven't noticed already."

"No, the fact that you just keep on whining. We don't work together, I know, you know, the Umbrella Academy knows, the Handler knows, dad knows. We never asked for this but it's what we got. What's with your mood today? We were fine yesterday."

"Until you got us caught," Y/N snapped.

"I just admitted I was sorry for that!"

Y/N gave a small hum and dropped the telescope she was holding onto the floor, walking away to get some time to herself in her room.

"The only reason I came her was to tell you to eat the damn eggs ya know," Five yelled from the living room.

Y/N didn't have the energy to reply, or even slightly acknowledge that Five's insults were in fact correct about her mood. She was feeling off today, and she didn't like it.

~~~

"I don't understand. They keep following me," Diego exclaimed.

"Wait, who," Luther questioned.

"Those Dutch sociopaths," Diego answered, pacing the room.

Five leaned on the doorway, face still recovering from its redness after lack of air from yelling at Y/N all day. The time he finally believed they had a chance of working together, it backfired. Just like everything he had ever been within 5 feet of.

"They're Swedish, you idiot," he snapped. "Hired guns paid to eradicate us before we do any more damage to this timeline."

"Yeah, but why now," Diego asked. "I mean, I'm..." Diego snapped his fingers, searching his brain for his next words. "...fine for three months until you showed up."

"No argument here," Y/N added, Five throwing her a glare.

"Yeah, I was here for a year and no one messed with me," Luther said over the sizzling of the food on the frypan.

"Even if it was my fault, which it isn't-"

"Keep talking, Chicken Little. Maybe your freaking feathers won't pop off next time we're on an important mission!"

"What the hell, Y/N! It was dark, I could see inside the closet."

"But I was your stupid night light!"

"Be quiet," Diego yelled, slamming his fist on the table. "You're acting like kids. Put a lid on it will you, we're discussing something important."

Five rolled his eyes at Diego's unnecessary commentary and resumed what he was saying.

" My point is, we only have six days before the end of the world, and the closest anyone's ever gotten to dad was that driveway at the consulate."

"Well...that's not exactly true," Luther sighed, turning off the stove.

After Luther's Explanation of Seeing Reginald

"That's pathetic," Diego said.

"Yeah, well, at least he didn't shank my butt," Luther grumbled, his mouth full of food.

"Nah, bro. He shanked your heart," Diego snickered lightly, covering his mouth as he giggled like a girl.

"Is that my bathrobe," Elliot asked from the doorway.

"No," Luther mumbled, Elliot rolling his eyes.

"Look, who cares what he shanked," Five asked. "He knows something about time travel," said the boy.

"Um...," Elliot scratched the back of his head and Y/N raised a brow.

"Elliot?"

He raised his hand and put it down when Five looked at him. "Wit, why don't you just do your thing and, uh, time travel is out?"

There hasn't been a heavier silence since Klaus fell down those stairs and had to rearrange his whole mouth.

"Anyone care to explain?"

"He messed up," Y/N answered.

"First time he tried, he got lost in the apocalypse," a gloomy Luther said.

"Second time he tried, he came back without hair on his balls," Diego added.

"Third time I tried, I scattered my family across Dallas, Texas, possibly triggering a doomsday. Any more questions, Elliot," Five poured himself another cup of coffee.

"Uh, no."

"You're missing the whole picture," said Diego. "Dad is the ringleader of a sinister cabal that's planning to kill the president."

Y/N groaned. "Tell us something we don't know, captain obvious."

"We need to stop him!"

"Then it'll get worse," Y/N argued.

"Yes, ignore him," Five smirked. "Look, they way I see it, we only have one option."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

"It's time to get the Umbrella Academy back together," Five replied.

"Hello? We've been trying to do that for awhile now. So far, we got a moody Vanya, a depressed Luther-"

"Okay, then, can one of you three get Allison," Luther asked, stuffing his mouth.

"Are you two still a thing," Y/N asked.

Luther didn't answer and Diego used both of his index finger to pull down the edges of his lips to form a frown you'd only see in cartoon before he leaned forward like a corny therapist.

"Do we need to talk?"

"No, she's married."

Y/N looked down awkwardly and Diego tried to hide his by saying, "oh, dude. That's rough."

"I can handle it," Luther chuckled.

"I'll get her," Five piped up. "Y/N-wait, nope. Never mind. I forgot you wanted to stay here and be a sitting duck. like a real disappointment."

Y/N didn't spare him a glance on her way out the door.

"And...we're back to the old days," Luther sighed, taking off his apron.

Five nodded and held out his hand. "No kidding. Oh, and, can you get Vanya without squeezing her to death?"

"I'll try," Luther glared  at the boy who just looked at Y/N with a lopsided grin and teleported them away.

~~~