It'll Be Alright

Hope.?

Sorry It's been like forever! This is mostly a rant, but it has stories to it.(:

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It's honestly sad on how much hope i have when it comes to my dad. To hoping to see him at my games, hoping for him to be there if i'm not feeling well, or even hoping he'll be on my side if i'm in a bad situation.

Hope, it's a funny thing when you give up on it. People tell me he'll come, or he'll call, but I've learned to just stop believeing he would do that. The thing that i hope for the most at this point, is him not to forget to come get me on his days. But that's slipping too.

The funny thing about my dad is no matter what we talk about it ends up being about me needing to lose weight.

"Hey dad how was work?" Simple question right?

"Today we did--------And that would be a good way for you to lose weight." I could ask him his favorite color and his answer would be something like this:

Black, like the road, hey you should start jogging in the summer, it's a great way to lose weight.

What the fuck, really dad? You know he has told me multiple times that i'd be so much prettier and boys would like me more if i were skinnier. Thanks for that boost of confidence dad, I appreciate it.

My dad, he doesn't know about any of the relationships i've had, half the bullshit i've been through that made me go to therapy, my fucken birthday or age, and sometimes he forgets that i'm his daughter.

Last week for gym was our golfing unit, we went to the driving range and did a bunch of golfing shit. My gym teacher told me multiple times to join the Golf Team (I didn't even know our school had one)..To be honest i seriously thought about it, I told my mom and she told me to go for it because of all the guys that would be on the team. I told me dad and the first thing, the first fucken thing he said was:

That's great! and you could lose weight doing it too!

It honestly took everything i had to fight the tears and the anger and frustration from coming out. And that same day he told me a dream he had about losing his teeth and i was like yeah i have those too! his response?

That means your insecure about the way you look.

Why do you tear me down all the time dad huh? Is it because i am big, but have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Your no better. For you to take it out on me dad breaks me, you push me closer and closer to the edge every time. Do you even notice? All the crying, and all the bruises that appear overnight? It's because of you dad. Yeah, i love you. But im getting tired of fighting my anger. Every bad day I have at school, Do you care? Do you ask dad? No! you don't. If you cared you wouldn't forget about coming to get me!

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Today, Wednesday, December 5th I was at the hospital for surgery, I had an unknown lump removed from my wrist. I was at the hospital at 9. waiting for my dad to call. I was in the room by 10:30 waiting to get my IV before the surgery. Still no call. The IV guy walked in the room and i started crying because i'm deathly afraid of needles. After the IV was in my mom put a pic of me with it on facebook and i looked fucken high.! 11:40 rolled around and the nurse was super cool and funny. She took me to the surgery room at 12:00, still no call. i woke up at 12:50 and they took me back to my room. I fell asleep on the way back but when i woke up i was at the door of my room. I looked in to hopefully see my dad, but again i was wrong.

"Did he call?" I asked my mom and she slowly shook her head. The doctor told us that it was a non-cancerous tumor but there sending it to another lab to make sure, we ended up getting out of the hospital at 2 and headed to my Nana's house for Mexican. We left there at 5 and still no call. When me and my mom got to my house i layed down with my phone in my hands on vibrate over my heart hoping he'd call after work which ends at 6-6:30. I woke up at 7 so see a missed call i sat up and looked at it to see that it was my Papa. So i called him to tell him that i'm alive and ok. My mom left shortly after for one of her "workout classes."

I'll give him till 8. I thought, 8:30 rolled around, ok 9:15. It's now 11 and still no call.

Thanks dad.