I Accidentally Cared[stopped]

Caged Birds - December 2 2014

-Leo-

Maybe she's right? Maybe I should leave her...

WHAT AM I SAYING? I'm probably out of my mind, but the only thing that I ever do now is sit in the hospital or worry about her. I hate looking at her like this, I hate the fact that she is hurt. She doesn't deserve to lose everything she has in just one instant when she had never done anything to get this stupid tumor. I just don't feel happiness anymore and I don't know what to do. It's like I'm a new bird, I'm stuck in a cage and I cannot get out. At first I'm happy with my food and my water, but then I start to get lonely and try to get out. I want freedom and now it just feels like I am caged.

Worst part about it is, the fact that I was lonely for my entire life I can probably survive without anyone even living on this planet by myself. But at the same time I love April and I really don't want to do anything to break her heart nor hurt me in the end. I care about others a lot but I must have some self respect but thinking about it again, I hated my life before I met her and I'm starting to hate it again. But what I am sure of is the fact that everything is going to be okay.

I'm probably even going to stop writing in this crappy journal just to make sure I spend more time thinking of what to do in life rather than writing continuously. As a matter of fact although I remember everything I've done and all, I still have troubles writing because of everything I'm thinking about...

3:45 PM

Got out my house for once, and all I do is walk out my building and the next thing I see is a phone call. I wasn't so surprised, it was April.

"Hello?"

           "What's up baby?"

      "Oh Leo, sorry I didn't mean to call you."

"Wait what? What's going on April..."

At this point I was shocked.. She then just told me it was nothing and hung up... I don't know if she's doing this on purpose or not but I'm scared. For the first time ever I try to go outside and find some new friends and hang out and chill and then she calls and says all this... This just breaks my heart because of what I'm thinking it could be... April was usually all alone. She was always alone and she had this one friend and she was pretty cool to be honest. Her friends name was Amanda and from time to time we would actually talk. Last night we actually had a pretty depressing talk due to April's actions etc...

What I would notice in our talks though is a lot of happiness a lot of it... And that was weird because I loved being alone all the time. And I never thought that my girlfriends best friend would turn out to be my friend. I thought I'd be always locked with April and we'd live a happy close life alone. But I guess that isn't how life works.

I just want April to try... I want her to stop being so negative because I'm not the only one that's supposed to make us happy. She is supposed to help me out too.

-April-

I can't even call him anymore... I feel so heart broken and just broken in general. I'm so lonely but I'm used to it... I was always lonely, and then I met Leo. I met the one that always makes me happy but I'm sad that I cannot give the same... I don't deserve him, he's to perfect for me. I just bring him down and make him more and more sad with this disgusting heart. I just hate myself and I hate my stupid life. I really wish I could just be alone in this world and stop caring about everything. Empathy is what gets to me the most because I care so much about everyone and even the people that hurt me. I wish I had at least a little bit of apathy... Worst part about all of this is the fact that Leo was mad at me and I can't even be mad at him for 2 seconds. I feel like everything uphill but down hill even faster. I really wish he hadn't asked me out that one night, because I feel like we should have gotten closer to each other for a longer time to maintain the happiness. Sigh. I hate life so much:(

I wish at least 1 wish could come true, maybe when I go to church next week it'll all be fine. I just hate the fact that I'm this depressed to the point where I'm almost done with life.

6:00 PM

"Opened text"

"Leo I'm really sorry for that call today, and I'm really sorry if you thought of it the wrong way. I'm just scared and down I really feel dead."