Until We Bleed

It's Okay To Make Mistakes

I'm sorry this took so long to be updated, but I'm very busy with life and dealing with my own mental health. I can't promise another update anytime soon, but I will try. Thanks for being patient.

...

Roxas knew it's the wrong decision the moment he hit "call," but he can't help it. Nothing's working, not the talks with Riku and Sora, not sitting alone with his own thoughts, not trying to ignore the situation all together. Nothing fucking works. So he paces the living room late into the night, biting his bottom lip as he holds his phone to his ear with a shaking hand. He grips the hem of Sora's shirt with his free hand, as he's been borrowing Sora's clothes since he can't go home to get his own. His breath catches in his throat as that familiar voice speaks tiredly through the receiver, "Roxas..?"

Roxas can't breathe, anxiety welling up inside of him and keeping the air from his lungs as it overtakes his mind. Hang up, hang up, hang up! What are you doing, hang up?!

"Roxas? A-are you there?" Axel's tired voice turns to light concern.

Roxas blinks forcefully, crumbling onto the couch, keeping the phone to his ear, even though he can't form the words to speak.

"Okay.. I can hear your breathing," Axel says softly.

He can? Roxas swallows, taking a deep breath. He doesn't feel like he's been breathing.

"Just listen, okay? You don't have to say anything, just please let me explain." Axel pleads.

Should I force myself to listen to this? Roxas stares at the floor, Sora wouldn't want me to.. Roxas closes his eyes, his voice seems far too stable for his state of mind, "Talk."

"Thank you," Axel breathes a sigh of relief, "First off, I want you to know I never meant to do anything that hurt you, Rox. You know how much I love you."

I love you, too. Roxas bites his bottom lip again, trembling. He feels sick.

"That night, I just.. I'm really sorry you didn't like how it ended up, I was only trying to fix things. That's all I've ever wanted, I hate what's become of us. I love you so much, I just want us to go back to the way we used to be." Axel explains.

So do I. Go on, tell him the truth. Roxas opens his mouth to speak, but he can't force the words to come out.

There's a pause, and then Axel sighs, "You don't have to come back yet, I'll leave you alone if that's what you want, but.. I still love you, Roxas. I just want you to forgive me, I can't live with knowing you hate me."

"I forgive you," Roxas says the words before his mind can catch up and the joy in Axel's voice gives Roxas mixed feelings, "You do?! Oh, thank you! I love you, Rox, I love you so, so much! You know that, right? You do.. Still love me, right?"

I never stopped. Roxas closes his eyes, "Y-yeah.. I do.. I just.."

"Roxas?" Riku's voice startles Roxas and he quickly hangs up on Axel, shoving his phone into the couch cushion, looking ashamed. Riku sighs and continues down the stairs before making his way over to Roxas and sitting on the couch beside him. Roxas glances at him, but he says nothing. Neither of them say anything for a few moments, and then Riku's the one to break the silence.

"You were talking to him weren't you?" Riku's voice wasn't accusatory or even angry. Just a fact, like Riku already knows the answer.

Roxas stares at Riku, he can't read the gentle expression on Riku's face. Roxas turns away before nodding. He doesn't really feel up to being yelled at, or being made to feel bad. He's shocked when Riku's arms envelop him, followed by his soft voice, "I know it's hard for you, and you may not believe us, but we are trying to do what's best for you. We care about you."

Roxas just feels ashamed of himself, so he doesn't say anything or move to hug Riku back. He's chilled by the loss of warmth when Riku pulls away, looking strangely embarrassed. Roxas has never seen Riku let his walls down around anyone, especially not himself. Riku sighs, running a hand through his long hair before glancing back at Roxas, "Tell me what you like about Axel, what draws you to him."

Roxas frowns lightly, feeling like he's been brought to a test he wasn't aware was happening. He crosses his arms lightly, he can feel his phone vibrating in the cushion behind him, most likely Axel trying to call him back. He sighs, "I like.. How passionate he is. He's headstrong, and caring."

Roxas smiles softly, "He's extravagant and.. Eccentric. A real goofball sometimes."

"What do you dislike about him?" Riku asks and Roxas' smile fades.

He frowns, thinking it over, his voice softens, "He has a real bad temper.. Quick to anger.. He tends to treat me like a kid sometimes, then get mad when he deems I'm acting as such.. He's unwavering if he thinks he's right, even if he isn't, he can't be reasoned with."

As the list goes on, the softer Roxas' voice goes until he ends in a whisper. He then lightly glares at Riku, his eyes demanding answers. Riku stares back with a sadness in his eyes that surprises Roxas.

"The cons can't outweigh the pros if the relationship is going to work." Riku says softly, "Do you understand why I had you do that? I'm not trying to force you into any way of thinking, or adapting to Sora and I's opinion. I only want to help you come to the conclusion on your own. As much as you care for Axel, no matter how brightly your feelings burn for him, it's unhealthy for you to endure the overly bad just for the fleeting goodness of it."

Roxas stares at the carpet between his feet. He says nothing, listening to Riku's words. Deep down, he knows Riku's right, he's known all along. But his mind hardly works when his heart's involved, he's a lot like Sora in that way. This only leaves him confused more often than not, and that opens the door to his own bad temper to flare. He knows, he knows they're right. But he can't ever make himself do anything about it. He closes his eyes after his contemplation, "I don't know what to do, Riku. I'm going insane.."

"You're not insane," Riku assures, gently gripping his shoulder, "Things like this take time, and I'm willing to give you as much as you need, as long as you try to better your situation. Because we're friends."

"Are we?" Roxas opens his eyes and meets Riku's gaze hesitantly.

Riku smiles back gently, "We are."

Roxas finally returns Riku's hug, "Thank you."

Riku hugs him back, "It's okay to make mistakes, Roxas. We're not going to abandon you."

"Thank you," Roxas breathes, tears fall down his face.

Riku pulls back after a moment and stands, "You should get some sleep."

Roxas watches Riku go back upstairs and he covers his face with his hands. He values Riku's words tonight, and he wants to be better for his friends, but he doesn't really know how. Maybe this would be easier if Roxas didn't love Axel so much, but he does and he doesn't know how to change that. And that's the problem it always comes to, he just loves Axel too much, and it's ruining his life.