Same Difference

~ Chapter 5 ~ The Good Idea ~

Alex and I made it through the next two weeks, but something kept nagging me and bothering me in my mind, kicking and punching every other thought down: the image of Alex cutting.
It bothered me so much since I saw the cuts. It was bad enough to know that he cut himself, but an image kept playing in my head at random moments. I could be in class, watching TV, talking to Alex, reading, or even using the toilet and I'd imagine him standing in the bathroom with a knife or razor, cutting himself. I could see him with a blade, slowly cutting himself, and doing a good job with it. The image would always drift up to his face and I would see as he blankly stared at the cuts and cried. Once, I had a dream of Alex cutting. It was terrible, and so vivid. I remember standing there not being able to talk or move to him to stop him. It was like a weight had been put on me to keep me from helping him. I always hated those kinds of dreams, and I always feared that not being able to move would happen to me. I once had a dream where I had to run for my life because there was some crazy world restart thing going on, but I could barely run to even save my life. It felt like trying to run through tall snow, when I could have been running to do more. It really sucked. It made me feel like there was so much more I could do for Alex, but I just couldn't.
I had woken up with a burning body and hot tears streaming down my face. It was always a surprise to wake up crying.
I try not to look at his wrists whenever I am around him.
Thinking of his wrists reminded me of my wrists and every thing just kept going in this never ending torturous cycle.
Luckily, Alex and I were able to carry on throughout the day acting like I didn't know about his cuts.
On the weekend, I decided to go to the mall to get some new clothes. I didn't really just decide to, but I just wanted to get more clothes because I haven't had a new wardrobe for about two years. I got the money that I saved up to get these clothes from my summer jobs that I've had, so I worked for these clothes.
I borrowed my parents' car, and once I sat in the car seat, my phone started ringing.
I took it out of my purse to see that it was Alex. I smiled at the picture of him grinning with the sun shining behind him. At lunch a few days ago, I sat in the grass and took a picture of Alex who was standing above me, with the sun shining down above him. That was a great day.
I brought the phone up to my ear.
"Hey, Alex."
"Hi Wren!" He said cheerily. "Where are you?"
"Stalker much....?" I sweetly laughed.
"I just wanna know where you are," he grumbled.
"I'm in my parents car."
"Where are you guys going?"
"You mean, 'Where are you going.' It's just me. No parents. I'm going to the mall. I can pick you up and you can come too, if you want."
"..."
He didn't say anything, and all I heard was the crackling static sound that phones always had. I hoped that future phones wouldn't have that.
"Alex? Are you there? Helloooooo?"
"...Oh, sorry. Yeah, I'm here," he chuckled but it sounded off.
"So... do you want to come to the mall with me?"
He sighed. "Uhm... I can't. Sorry."
I frowned. "Why not?"
"I... uh... I don't really have money."
"That's fine. You can come still. I can get you something. Hey... why don't you ask you parents for a little bit of money? Won't they be okay with it?"
"... I... um... I don't think so."
"Why not?"
The crackling noise came again, but this time I just waited for him to talk again.
"I... my-" he sighed and just said it. "My dad's - he's - uh - addicted to -" he stuttered. "Gambling..."
There was that silent crackle again, then he quickly spoke. "That's why I don't have money. We barely had enough money to get myself new clothes for this year. We have... just about enough money for food. We're fine, though. You don't have to worry."
He kept saying that 'he's fine' and 'you don't have to worry', and it broke my heart even more. He deserves a lot more than what he has.
An idea clicked in my mind.
"Alex... I'm really sorry about that. And I care about you, remember?" I picked at my pant leg. "I'm picking you up. Are you ready?"
"Yeah... but you-"
"No buts. I'm picking you up."
He chuckled unevenly. "Okay. See you, bossy pants."
"Bossy pants?" I shrieked. "Don't go all second-grader on me!"
I could hear his happy laugh through the phone. "Alright. I'll see you in a few." I smiled. I wished he was able to see it.
"See you."
***
The brilliant green-eyed boy came rushing into the passenger seat of the car. "Are we going to the mall?" He asked as he closed the door.
"Yup." I started driving off in the direction of the mall.
"And we're doing what?"
I laughed like he was being stupid. "Shopping, duh. Idiot."
"Hey! I am not an idiot," he said with one eyebrow raised.
"You were for just a second there," I ruffled his hair.
"So what are you getting?" He asked as he fixed up his hair that I just messed up.
"Don't you mean, what are you getting?" I corrected him.
"That's what I said."
"You," I repeated. "You, Alex. What is Alex getting, is what you mean."
"I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about right now," he said, looking as confused as ever.
"I don't want to get much into the subject because I want to have fun... but you know how you were being bullied from your clothes?"
"Yeah..."
"You can wear exactly what you want, so they shouldn't have bullied you, but let's buy some outfits that are like the other boys' at our school. As long as you still like the clothes a little at least. To see what happens. Maybe you'll be more accepted. You don't have to wear them all the time because of course you can wear what you want, like, what you already have, but just to see."
"Wren... that's nice of you... but it's fine. Really," he said, trying to give me a reassuring smile.
"I'm buying you clothes. Period."
"No you aren't. I'm fine."
"I bet you don't even like the clothes that you just bought because you just thought that they were cool, even if you look good in them. But what looks best on you is what makes you smile."
He smiles at that last part, then tried putting on a serious face but failed. "No... I like them, actually. There's just some things that I like wearing that I didn't buy. It's fine though. you don't have to."
"But I want to. More than anything."
"No," he refused.
"Yes."
"No."
"Would you like me to stop at a parking lot and tickle you to death?" I asked him.
"No, no, no. Of course not."
"Then let me but you clothes."
He sighed, then grumbled. "Alright..."
"Yay!" I cheered. No one had let me do something that got me this excited in a while.
We pulled into the mall parking lot, then ran into the mall. Store surrounded us. Sometimes it was so hard to pick where to go.
"Where do you want to go first?" I asked him as I glanced around for a place that I knew guys bought clothes.
"I... I kind of miss wearing Aeropostale clothes. I used to wear them a lot, then I bought the 'cool' wardrobe."
"We'll get you some Aeropostale shirts then. A lot of guys from school wear those. We can see what happens if you wear them."
"Alright."
We went into the store, picked up some shirts and I made him try them all, even if he totally didn't want to.
One of the shirts looked super, super good on him. It was green, and I think it looked good on him because it matched the bright green in his eyes.
"OhmyGod," I said. "Methinks it looks really good on you," I said.
"It does?" He asked.
"It so does."
He held his arms out my his side as if to show off the shirt. "What rating would you give it?"
I couldn't resist, so I ran into his outstretched arms and hugged him. I don't really know I did it, but I did.
He was tense at first, then he put his arms tightly around me. "The rating is so high that it deserves a hug," I muttered into his shirt.
I stayed there for a few seconds with my eyes closed, and I got that same feeling again; like I was home.
"You guys are cute," a voice from beside me said. I opened my eyes and saw one of the Aeropostale employees standing there, smiling at us. She was a pretty woman. "How long have you guys been together?" she asked.
My face burned bright red, and I was afraid that Alex could feel the hot warmth from my cheeks through the green t shirt, so I pulled away.
"We... aren't together," I said, and me and Alex started awkwardly laughing. "Were just really good friends."
Saying that made my stomach twist and churn, like it was hopeful for something. It felt unsatisfied, but also very satisfied at the same time.
"That's too bad," the girl said, looking at us with wonder. "You never see couples like that these days anymore. I was hoping that I'd found one."
She smiled with a closed mouth, then walked away back to the front of the store.
Alex was scratching the back of his neck, and I was flattening my hair down even if I didn't need to.
"I'll go try on the rest," Alex final said.
"Yeah, go ahead," I smile and he walked in the change room.