A Court of Stars and Shadow

Chapter 38

I ignored Carnel the whole day. Never mind that I cried all the way back to my tent and in my pillow until blackness overtook me. When I woke up the sun was high in the sky and a platter of food was set on the small desk in my tent. I looked at myself in the small mirror and cringed. I looked like a mess; I was a mess. The cut on my cheek was all but healed, the smallest faintest scar the only proof of it ever happening but there was still dried blood crusted along my cheek and streaks of red ran down my neck and under my leathers from where my tears carried it.

I sighed and washed it off as much as I could with a washcloth and a bowl of water, scrubbing hard enough that my skin was left red. I wanted a shower. I walked out of the tent and began walking to the showers but immediately froze. They were right next to the training rings. And training rings meant....

I shut my eyes and turned on my heal, heading in the opposite direction. Cassian's and Feyre's tent were this way. Fine, maybe I could hang out with them for a while then. A dark head peaked over the far end of the tents and I ran to hide behind the closest tent. An Illyrian I had never seen before stepped around the corner and I sighed, leaning my head back until I was pressed against the ground, my hair pooling around my face as I stared up at the blue sky. The sun was beating down merciless and I shut my eyes against the light. I was being paranoid and psychotic, I couldn't avoid him forever.

This was for the greater good I reminded myself. It didn't help my heart from hurting, didn't stop something inside me from crying out towards him like a gods damned magnet.

"Luna?" I sat up at Cassian's voice, my cheeks heating.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Hiding behind this tent. How did you find me?"

"We do share a bond L. why are you hiding behind a random tent?"

"I thought I saw..." I shook my head, even saying his name would hurt too much.

"Carnel?"

I fisted my fingers in my palm and clenched my jaw, his name clanging through my body like a bell struck next to my ear.

"I thought-"

I looked up at him, meeting his eyes and making sure he saw the pain in my own.

"oh, ok. Come here" he said opening his arms to me and I ran into them, wrapping my arms around his body and burying my head into his chest. I couldn't help the sobs that came out and he closed his wings around me.

He grabbed my chin gently and turned my head to his, his face taught.

"Did he hurt you?" he grounded out with restraint.

"no" I said letting out another ugly sob. "no, it was me. That's the worst part Cassian. He did nothing wrong. It was all me"

He rubbed my head gently and I could tell he was unsure of what to do next. Violence he could do, boy trouble....

I laughed under my breath.

"You have no idea what do with me do you?"

He laughed as he brushed a thumb over my cheek.

"you still have blood all over your self L"

"I tried to take it off"

"With what, a leaf?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Let's get you to Feyre"

He picked me up in his arms and I laid my head on his chest. Mentally and physically exhausted from the recent events.

It was a short walk to Feyre's tent but when we entered a copper tub filled with steaming water already placed in the center if the tent, Feyre already waiting. Cassian put me down gently and left with a kiss to my head.

"He's being overprotective" I said too Feyre.

"can you blame him? You look like a mess"

"Feyre, how you hurt me with your words"

She snorted and pointed to the tub.

"Go on"

She helped me take off my leathers and was kind enough to pour some oils and soap in the water while I took off the remainder of my clothes. I sighed when I stepped, leaning my head against the rim of the tub. Feyre dipped a cloth into the water and gently began scrubbing at my face, the spots and streaks where I had missed blood.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.

I gulped and stayed silent for a while. By the time I spoke again the water had almost gone cold and Feyre was finishing taking off the blood on my neck.

"The war in two days, many people are going to die"

Shadows crossed over her eyes, but she nodded.

"as much as I can say we are prepared, unfortunately it is inevitable although every one of us will fight to make sure it doesn't happen."

"What if one of you die, what if he dies Feyre. I can't- I can't imagine what I would do, I can't take it."

She paused her scrubbing to look me directly in the eye.

"I know; I know what you're feeling, but happiness, true unyielding happiness is a rare and precious thing to have, you of all people know that. Do not take it for granted Luna, be happy until the last second because you never want to have regrets. Live Luna, and do not feel bad for it."

I bit my lip slightly and nodded, thoughts whirling around my head almost too fast for me to understand them, but, I think I knew what I wanted to do.

She scrubbed for a couple more minutes until she was satisfied that she had gotten every drop of blood off.

"Just let yourself think about it, take the night but maybe tomorrow go for a walk, hear him out"

I didn't tell her that it was almost exactly what I was going to do.

"Are you worried? About the battle?" I asked her back. She out of all people knew what it was like to lose someone she loved more than anything.

"I have made it very clear to Rhys what will happen if he pulls any self-sacrifice shit again." She said calmly but fiercely. "but" she continued, her face softening to something that could only be seen as love, a face I had seen before; and surprisingly, it didn't scare me as much as I thought it would, not anymore.

"He will never stop fighting for his people, and I can't take that from him, no matter my selfish reasons. I know my position in this court, what it means. I can't say it doesn't scare me, but I love him all the more for it." her eyes drifted away, and a small smile tugged at her lips.

I placed my hand over hers where it rested on the lip of the tub and we locked eyes again.

"I promise to fight for this court, for everything it stands for so no one will have to ever experience that pain again."

She smiled at me, large and the words that came out of her mouth were unforgiving.

"When you step on the field in two days Luna, give them a show they'll never forget"

My smile back was just as wicked. 

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You guys know how it is, a short one before a long and good one :)

xoxo,

-S