Hello Darkness

Chapter Twenty - Seven

I reach for the coffee filters in the cupboard. It's been two days since I left the hospital, and I'm just happy I found the energy to get out of bed. My hair is still in the same ponytail I came home with but—baby steps.

"Here. Let me make that for you." Breccan nudges me to the side, and I set the filters on the counter. There's no point in arguing, and it will just waste the little bit of energy I've managed to restore. He tries to catch my gaze, but I ignore him and exit the kitchen, slumping onto the couch. He regrets what he said, but there's no changing the fact that he said it. The worst part is that he's tiptoeing around me. The inevitable conversation looming like a ghost in the room. The conversation will release its presence eventually, but until then it's trapped and we'll pretend that it doesn't exist.

Breccan walks into the living room, fingers tapping on a teal coffee cup. "Charley, I—can we talk?"

"I heard what you said in the hospital," I say. Might as well jump right into it.

His muscles tense as he's setting the cup on the end table next to me. "I meant it." His gaze slides to me.

"I know." I force myself to focus on his honey eyes. So full of sorrow and regret. "But, it doesn't change what you said."

His eyes flick away. "I know. I'm—"

"Actually, you don't know." I lean forward. "How do you think it feels to have everyone in my life question something I saw? I had two people left in the world that didn't judge me for it and even they won't talk about it. Like it's not a part of me. Like it doesn't exist."

He runs his hand over his hair.

"How do you think that feels? Not being accepted for who you are? Having everyone tip-toe around because they're afraid you'll have a fit and embarrass them? No one considers how I feel after I wake up, and no one will look at me. They won't ask questions because they don't want to trigger another fit. As if talking about it will make it real to them too."

I pause. When he remains silent, I continue, "Well, I've got news for you. It's more real to me than anyone can imagine. It's a part of me, and if you or anyone else can't accept that then... maybe you're not meant to be in my life." The words are small, but they hurt deep in my chest.

I ball my hands to keep them from shaking. Lifting my chin slightly, I try to hide the tears that threaten to reveal the truth. I miss my best friend. The carelessness we used to have. This situation is corrupting all of us. I'm mad, but the thought of not having my friend uncovers a deep ache—a different kind of heartbreak. One I don't want to face. I'm not ready to forgive everything, but I'm not ready for him to be gone either.

He adjusts himself and leans forward, carefully choosing his words. "I want to do better. I want to make this better. I messed up... and I'm so sorry. This situation has me so confused and I lost it. It's not an excuse, I shouldn't have said those things, but I just want it to be over. And I let myself believe that it was all in your head because I know you. We've helped you through that situation before. But the thought of it being someone else—how am I supposed to protect you from someone we don't know? Hell, he doesn't leave a trace. I have nothing to go on and there's nothing I can do about it. I almost called off the guards—" His face falls into his hands.

"Breccan, it's not up to you to fix everything. You don't have to have all the answers. I just need you to be my friend—to believe me when I say something is wrong." The ache lessens as I let him back in.

His eyes lift and melt. "I know I have a lot of kissing ass to do..."

I smirk and wipe away a stray tear.