Hello Darkness

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Hot. So, stifling hot. At this point, I'm certain all churches signed a petition against central air. But then again, I'm the only one fanning myself with the program. Perhaps, I'm not handling myself as well as I think.

A graze of Talum's hand against my thigh draws my attention from the other attendees. He'd done it quickly enough no one else noticed. But I did. It traveled up all the way to my fingertips. I hate that I still want it, but I can't shut it off. Even that brief touch was so comforting, I nearly grabbed it back. I want to reach for his hand, to hold it and allow his cooling touch to smother the heat wave that overrides my body. But I won't.

Maybe we shouldn't have come. A fit here would destroy the family, and they've already suffered enough. Before we entered, Talum offered to leave with me if I felt I needed to, but I assured him I would be fine. It was Lilly I was concerned about seeing.

My mind eased when I'd found her giggling with a silver haired woman, her grandmother I supposed. She'd be okay. Young enough she wouldn't remember.

After that, I was certain I could manage, but now the longer I sit here, the more I think Talum's offer might be needed. But the mere thought of standing glues me to my seat—I can't just stand up and leave. All their eyes would be on me. If I were to stand and walk out, I would have to face them. All. Of. Them.

I swallow. No way was that going to work. I close my eyes and blend my breathing in with the notes of the piano. It's gentle rise and fall calms my heart and my mind. Allowing me to seize control again. I count the taps of the pianist's foot against the pedals. I owe it to them to make it through the funeral. They deserve at least that much.

Talum leans over his breath fluttering against my ear. I resist the urge to lean into him, even though my body needs his strength. "Do you need to step out?"

"No." I give him an unconvincing smile. 

"My offer still stands. Anytime."

Am I that obvious? My hands roll the program into a tight telescope. I ball my fingers into a fist to stop fidgeting. Then my knee begins to bounce. Curse my nerves. Of course, he can tell—everyone can tell.

The pastor bows his head and recites the final prayer. I focus on my breathing rather than his words, waiting for escape. Escape from peering eyes—escape from everything that reminds me of the past, reminds me of them—reminds me of him. Was he here watching me? Hell, he could be anyone. He could be sitting beside me and I'd never suspect a thing. I don't dare look around.

The caskets close, then ushers rise and release the pews to follow the procession. I keep my head down as each person passes, refusing to meet their piercing eyes. They would break me if I even so much as glance at them. It is my fault and they all know it. Why did I think I should come here? Foolish—so foolish.

Talum's cool fingers brush my shoulder and I find him standing, the usher only feet away. "Almost done."

I stand and he steps closer than usual—than before. His hand on my elbow. The only reminder of the here and now. The only thing that keeps me standing. The world blurs, my skin crawling like its own entity. My body, a shell that I don't occupy. One step forward, don't look back. My knees wobble, and I fall into Talum.

He's quick, his grip secures around my elbow. "I got you," he whispers.

No one even notices me stumble. "My favorite thing to paint is sunsets. All the rich colors blending into one. They're tricky to get just right." He speaks only to me. The rasp in his voice low and soothing.

"No two are alike. It's like the last burst of color before it's wiped away by the night. And it makes an excellent show of it, don't you think? Yellows, pinks and oranges swirl, you don't see that at any other time of day."

My vision clears, and my knees hold a little stronger as we step into the lobby and I realize what he was doing. When I step from the crowd it's like the vacuum releases and all the air rushes into my lungs.

"You remembered." I breathe and place my hand on Talum's chest before my mind catches up. He doesn't want this.

His hand remains on my elbow, keeping us connected. I can't look away. "Of course, I did." He opens his mouth to say more, but Alma and Breccan emerge from the crowd.

Alma's eyes followed my hand as it falls. I don't meet her gaze. I don't meet anyone's. It's too much. All of it—the funeral, Talum. I need to be alone to collect my thoughts. "I'm going to use the restroom."

The door clicks as I finish and exit the stall. The woman playing with Lilly earlier leans against the sink. She doesn't look at me, just stares at her nails. She should be on her way to the cemetery, why did she remain here? I shake the excess water from my hands. I assume, like me, she just needed some time by herself.

"I'm sorry for your loss." I step past her to the paper towel.

"It took some nerve for you to come here." Her jade eyes sting me with hatred.

"I'm sorry?"

"Everyone thinks that you've snapped out of it, but I warned them about you. I told them what you were. And now look what happened."

"They were my friends."

A bitter laugh echoes off the walls. "Friends..." she repeats. I can see where this was going. She's read the book. "Friends doesn't mean much to someone that's killed their parents, does it?"

As much as I numb myself to these insults, it still stung. "I didn't hurt anyone."

"Don't toy with me girl. Just tell me what happened. Why did you do it? Did you have one of your fits? Forget who you were? You were screaming and holding Lilly. How could you do that to a little girl?"

"I would never—"

"Stop with your lies." For such a small lady she makes an impressive barrier when cornered. Angry tears line silver along her jade eyes—Lilly's eyes.

I swallow the knot stuck in my throat. "I'm not lying. I had nothing to do with this. As for Lilly, I would never wish this life upon anyone. Let alone that sweet little girl. Yes, I found them, and it will haunt me until the day I die. But I made sure Lilly was safe. That was my priority." My words are stronger than I feel. I did have something to do with this, but I can't tell her how real the threat is. "And I pray for your sake that someone doesn't write a god-damned book filled with lies about her life."

I step around her and let the door shut behind me, separating us. Facing my friends after that seems impossible. I need to be alone. So, when I step into the hallway I turn right instead of left. I follow the hall until I find a side exit.