Habits

I'm Not Breathing

"So, when's the wedding?"

I look up at Brianna who is just now starting to eating her BLT sandwich.

I then glance down at my empty soup bowl. We had gone out for lunch and eaten mediocre food at a café that I wasn't familiar with.

"Right before summer ends." I respond while readjusting in the small booth that the waitress had placed us in.

"So, very soon because summer is already halfway through." She states very matter of fact.

My head bobs up and down as my only response.

"How are you going to pull that one off?"

"All I know is that it won't be a big wedding and there won't be a honeymoon."

"No honeymoon?" She asks, her voice dripping with surprise.

"If we want a wedding, we can't have a honeymoon. We'll be broke."

"Okay, how about college? I got my acceptance letter to California State and Liam is going to UCLA, shouldn't you of gotten your letter by now?"
She asks me while taking another bite of her small sandwich.

"I guess but I'm not going to UCLA, I'm going to stay here in Canada with Cory."

I get so frustrated when I talk about college with other people.
Some think that I'm foolish for going to UBC because I could of done so much better at a higher level college.

Can't they just understand that I want to be with Cory?

"Well, I'll keep you updated on the wedding. Right now I just want to go home and sleep."

It was a lie.

I wasn't tired, I just needed to escape Brianna's persistent questions. Sometimes it feels like that that's all she does, try to pry me open and spill all of my detailed thoughts.

"I understand, every future bride needs her beauty sleep. I'll leave you to it." Brianna is calm yet restrained.

She's still hungry for information.

Me and Brianna say our simple goodbyes and I drive the short drive back home.

The bottom half of the house was empty, not unusual. I headed up to my room and went to check my laptop, heeding Brianna's information about college acceptance.

I had a few emails, but only one of them caught my eye.

The one in all caps from UCLA made my heart stop and my breathing hitch.

I didn't actually think that there would be an email!

It shows that I got the email around 10 this morning.

I circle the curser around the email but I don't open it.

How could I open it?

I already know what my future would bring, college in Canada with the love of my life.

If I get accepted, it won't matter because I'm not going.

Pushing my instincts aside, I open the email.

It's an acceptance letter.
I've been accepted to UCLA.

I close the laptop and sink into my chair.

All of my late night study sessions and days spent at the library had resulted in my acceptance.
An awful sobbing noise comes out of my mouth.

Why the hell am I crying?

I'm not going, I can't go.

Even though it's my dream.

Grabbing a tissue, I wipe the dripping excess makeup from under my eyes and get up from my chair and start walking to Cory's room. My head is burning with guilt, yet I haven't done anything wrong.