Habits

Help Me Understand

Lea's POV

I'm in my room hyperventilating about me and Dean's kiss. Well...it wasn't really a kiss if I pulled away as soon as it happened. Right?

My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by my phone's ringing.

I look at it and see it's from an unknown number. Without thinking, I answer it.

"Hello...?" I ask cautiously.

"Lea?! I knew I memorized your number!" It was Cory.

"Oh my god, Cory?!" I yell happily.

It's actually a kinda ironic time for him to be calling with my whole situation and all.

Yeah, I had to call you!" He says.

"Wait...how did you get a phone?"

"Well, I was assigned someone to watch me and they set their phone down, so I "borrowed" it. Don't worry, I'll return it, he just thinks he lost it." He laughs.

"Oh well good. I just...need to tell you something." I say about to throw up.

"Uhm okay, what?" He seems really nervous.

"I just need to tell you-" I pause and think. Should I tell him? What if he breaks up with me? What if he doesn't ever trust me again?

"Lea?" I snap back to reality.

"I just really miss you and you need to hurry up with your rehab! Anyways, how's it going?" I try to change to subject really quickly.

"Well, I've only been here a couple days so it's to early to tell."

I hear a voice murmur in the background on his end of the phone.

"I gotta go Lea!! But I love you and I can't wait to see you when I get out of here!"

"I love you t-" The line goes dead.

He defiantly won't trust me after what I just did.

Sometimes, when I feel really guilty or scared, my head starts to burn. It also comes along with "anxiety stomach aches".

The feeling in my stomach is soon replaced with a familiar one. One that I got in my freshman year of high school, my cutting year. I get the urge to start gashing at my arms.

I've been clean for 2 years, do I really want to throw all of that down the drain for something like this?

Yes

I slowly walk to my shower where my razor waits for me. It's small, but big enough to do damage. Once I have it, I place the tiny razor on my sensitive skin. Before I start, I take in a deep breath.

"Lea?" I hear my dad open my bedroom door which makes me fling the razor across the room.

"What the hell was that, Lea?"

I freeze in my tracks, not really sure what to say.

"Uhm, that was my pencil, I was about to start my homework but you came in and scared me. I jumped a little..."

He gives me a confused look but shakes it off. "Well, I just came in to check on you. I was just wondering, but Cory's in rehab, right?"

"Yeah...why?" I ask confused.

"Maybe it's for the best, you guys need some separation time. You need to focus on good things."

"What's that suppose to mean?" My blood is starting to boil, why the hell would he say something like that?

"I'm not saying that you guys should break up, all I'm saying is that-"

"Yes you are!! Please, you just really don't understand my situation right now and I would really like it if you just left my room!" I demand.

"THEN HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!!! God damn it, Lea! I hardly ever see you and when I do, you just push me away. What am I doing wrong?! I'm a good dad, maybe it's just your not a good daughter."

He leaves my room while slamming the door incredibly hard.

I crawl into a little ball by my bed and cry. Was he right? Was I a bad daughter?

I see the little razor and throw it at a nearby wall. I scream at the top of my lungs.

Almost as soon as I threw it, I regretted my decision. I feel like I just abused my child and I need to comfort it. I run to my razor's aide and begin to start my old routine.

I find it easier to cut while I'm listening to depressing music, so I turn on some Adele song.

I begin slashing new wounds on my already scared arms.

I really need you with me, Cory.