I'll Sing For Me

42.

Despite Steph's best effort, my mood wouldn't lift. I assured her she didn't do anything wrong. But it continued on Tuesday.

I was cold and distant with Dean and he felt it. It was hurting me so much doing it, but it hurt me more that he knows why I get bullied and won't tell me.

I couldn't understand it though because he protects me too. Dean fights for me, literally. So I don't know why he won't tell me why this is happening to me.

Once Spanish class had finished, Dean walked briskly to keep up to my pace. " Beth, wait up, come on." He grumbled. "All lesson you refused to talk or even look at me. What's up?"

"Nothings up. I'm going to music." I courtly said, turning to my classroom door and without a second glance at Dean, I went to a desk. Our music classes are no longer combined, thank goodness.

I didn't bother finding Steph at lunch and immediately went to the library to read. I did text Steph to let her know.

My phone was at a constant vibrate with text messages.

It was distracting. I couldn't concentrate to read. I just wanted to be left alone.

Groaning, I looked at my phone.

Tommy. Beth, I'm sorry.

Steph. It's okay. I won't say where you are.

Dean. Where are you? Can we talk? Please?

It was all the same messages over and over with Dean.

I fought back the tears that were threatening to come and turned my phone off. I just want to be alone.

I read the book I had, not absorbing a single word till I heard the bell ring. Leaving the library, I saw Dean standing outside, holding my bag.

"Beth, can we talk?" He asked me as I took my bag back off him. I had a free period with Dean and I couldn't use being late as an excuse. "Why are you so distant right now? You're acting like you did when we first met."

I stared straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with Dean but not moving.

Words of advise from many people floated through my head. How my academic level has dropped, my behaviour and attitude. How I must handle my life. How I am worth it. My future and what I had planned is worth it.

I could feel Dean's hand on my arm.

"I think this... us... I think it's a bad idea Dean." I stuttered out, trying not to make my voice crack. "I need to focus on my grades which have slipped and I can't have any distractions." I was finding it really hard to continue. "I'm sorry." Came the small squeak as my arm slipped out off his grip and I walked away.

"What? Where is all this coming from?" Dean asked as he came back to me.

I felt the pain in my chest and took a shaky breathe. "I don't want to be here anymore Dean. I don't want to be in this town. I don't want to graduate school and get some dead end job and be stuck here and the only way that I can avoid all that is to study, have perfect scores and find a job that gets me far away, from everyone and all their shit." I snapped at him.

Dean looked at me in surprise and I saw the hurt on his face, in his eyes. It hurt me even more because I was lying to him and to myself.

Dean didn't follow me this time as I walked away from him.

"You know what? Fine! Leave. Get out of this shit hole, it's not like you don't have any one here that cares about you." Dean yelled at me. I waited till there was a good gap between us before the tears rolled down my cheeks.