I'll Sing For Me

36.

I didn't go to school on Wednesday. I stayed curled up in my bed, drowning in my tears. Steph tried to cheer me up, as did Ally. Melanie even came over that night but they couldn't get me to get out off bed.

Thursday was the same as well. I stayed in my bed, curled up under the blankets, silently crying.

I felt a weight on my bed as it dipped down by my feet and I assumed it was Ally or Steph sitting there. They placed a hand on my leg, landing on my ankle.

I didn't say anything and neither did they, which I appreciated.

Staying under the blanket, I wiped my tears away and spoke. My voice was crackly and I stuttered, but I didn't care.

"Thank you." I managed to say. "For helping me. For support."

I took the blanket off and sat up at the same time and froze on who was there.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Dean. He sat there, concern on his face.

"Steph let me in about an hour ago, before she left with Tommy."

I nodded blankly. I wasnt dressed, my hair a mess and still in bed but I didn't care. My stomach growled and it made me blush.

"Would you like something to eat?" Dean asked me softly but I shook my head.

"Do you have your car here?"

I saw the frown Dean made, the look of confusion in his eyes. "Yeah."

"Can we go for a drive please?"

*****

Dean took me to where I requested. It was twenty minutes away by car but it was secluded and quiet. No one was around and the scenery was amazing.

We sat on my flannel on the grassy patch just staring at the river before us. I had my knees up and were hugging in to them. I felt the sun beat down on me, making me feel hot in my leggings.

"I had to go to court on Tuesday." I finally broke the silence, staring ahead of me. I could feel Dean's eyes on me, waiting for me to continue but I knew he was full of questions. "To help put someone in jail."

"Was it your parents?"

I shook my head. I did wish along the lines of them being incarcerated for neglect. "No."

I saw a small fish jump in the distance, breaking the smooth surface of the water.

"The other week, when I turned up to Steph's, bruised, with police and ambulances." I started, not sure what to say next.

"Yeah, you were assaulted."

I gave a mirthful smile. I wish it was just that.

"When I say don't defend me, it's because, well, it's kind of true." I whispered. "What Lisa and all that say. It's true."

Dean frowned harder, trying to comprehend what I was getting at. "I don't care about your past, Beth." Dean finally said as he took my hand. He took a deep breath and exhaled. "I like you, a lot and right now probably isn't the best time to tell you, but I've been fighting for the courage to tell you for some time."

I slowly turned my head to him. He likes me? "You don't want me, Dean."

"Yes I do."

I started breathing heavily, shaking my head. "No you don't. Not once you know the truth." I tried so hard not to cry but the tears were leaking out and I brushed them aside and stood up, letting go of Dean's hand.

Dean also stood up and followed me as I walked away, only for a couple steps before turning back to him. "I'm damaged goods Dean. I have baggage. I'm ruined and broken. No one wants that. I have scars, inside and out. Only the other week I tried to commit suicide. I can't be fixed!"

Now I was sobbing, tears flowing freely down my face. I couldn't make out the expression on Dean's face, everything was blurry.

"Why would you say that?" Dean asked and I could hear the angry undertone in his voice. "Why would you think that? Tall to me, Beth. Tell me." He came closer to me but I stepped away, annoyed with myself and what I've been through to make all this happen.

"I was raped, Dean!" I screamed at him. "Is that what you want to hear? I was sexually and physically assaulted!"

Dean paused in his steps, shocked by my words. "Oh, Beth." He whispered. Dean raised his hands to me and I knew what he meant. I stepped inside his arms as Dean hugged me tightly. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

I sobbed in to his chest for a few minutes before I calmed down.

He led me back to where we were sitting and I told him everything. I didn't feel obligated to, I wanted to. I answered his questions.

"The bite mark?" He asked me softly. I could tell he was angry and I didn't know why, but I still answered him. I told him about each encounter. What happened to me to prevent stopping it. How I was determined to kill myself. How I felt confronting Isaac.

Dean stood up and paced in a circle, his hand running through his hair repeatedly. Then he stormed over to his car a couple metres away and I gasped, covering my mouth as I watched him punch it right on the bonnet.

Scrambling to my feet, I ran over to him and took his closed fist. "Why are you so angry? It isn't your fault." I said, keeping both my hands locked around his fist.

"Because it happened, Beth. And to you." He gritted his teeth, snarling. Then he looked at me and his face softened. "I'm sorry you had to go through all that, alone. I wish, that," I interuppted him then.

"I wish many things too, Dean. Things like me wishing it never happened. But it did and now it's a part of me. That is something I'm still trying to accept. Those events, my upbringing, they are what has made me, me. That is why I am the way I am. I have to learn to accept it. But can you?"

Dean's fist relaxed in my hand and it snaked up my right arm. "I will always accept you as you are." He said to me.

It was enough to make me smile. We both leaned in towards each other, staring at each other when the tranquil moment was broken by the sound of a ringing phone.

I sighed and leaned back as Dean groaned, opening his car door and getting the phone and answering it.

"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." He peeked over to me. "No. Not right now. No."

I gave him a small smile and went to get my flannel shirt, brushing the grass off it, picking it up.

I heard footsteps behind me, Dean standing on the pebbles on the ground. "That was Stephanie." Dean told me. "She is worried and wants me to return you home."

I rolled my eyes and tied my flannel around my waist.

"I left my phone at home." I admitted to him.

We got in the car and Dean started to drive me home. "Thanks for today." I said to him. "I really appreciate it."

"Whenever you want to talk, Beth, I'll be there." He said to me. "I mean it, Elizabeth."

I raised my eyebrows and looked at him. "Elizabeth?" I smiled. "I hate that name."

"Beth does sound so much better."