I'll Sing For Me

17.

After dinner, Steph and I were in my new bedroom, sitting on the bed, talking. I was brushing my hair while Steph babbled about something.

I wasn't really listening. Dean's words were still in my head.

"Stephanie." I called out, sounding a bit distant. Steph stopped mid sentence, knowing I was completely serious when I called her full name. "What did Dean mean by that no one should bother me again?"

I saw the gulp Steph made, the action clear in her throat. She looked nervous. "Uh..."

I felt something heavy in my stomach, something bad. I suddenly didn't want to know and I was already grimacing.

I wanted to snap at Steph to tell me, but I knew that I wouldn't like the answer.

Then it clicked. Dean wouldn't tell me about his latest fight. "Who did Dean get in to a fight with?" I asked as I stood up off my bed to put my hairbrush on the dresser. That's when I saw my reflection.

I didn't have my beanie on as I was brushing my hair, but I never saw Steph's artwork on my hair till now.

I could see Steph's reflection in the mirror before looking at myself again. My mouth had dropped.

"Do you like it?" She asked me nervously.

"I... Love it." I whispered, turning at different angles. "I look like a rock star." My hair now black with what looked like bright red streaks.

"Well, that red was meant to be pink, but it didn't go so well with your natural hair colour."

"No. I love it."

"Is it what you pictured as a child?"

I looked at my best friend through the mirror, surprised she remembered that. As a kid, I loved singing and I wanted to be a pop star. I nodded enthusiastically at her before spinning on my heel to face Steph.

"I know what I need to do." I said quickly.

"What's that?" She asked me, a small smile on her face.

"Steph, I need to find myself. Reinvent myself. Leave that sad little girl behind. Can you help me?"

Steph nodded eagerly at me as she got off my bed. Taking a step to me, she picked up my hands, smiling widely. "Of course."

"On one condition."

"What's that?"

"I get to keep the beanie and my converses still."

Steph laughed and the happiness rolled in to me as I followed.

"Well, baby steps." I whispered, chuckling.

Steph grinned widely at me before we hugged.

****
Friday was the day I could go back to school. Steph's mum fussed all day Thursday, making sure I was ready and Steph fussed on Friday morning.

I grumbled, looking down at my legs. "Why a skirt?" I cried out to her, looking at it, offended by it.

"You want to reinvent yourself. By doing everything you normally do, wearing what you normally wear is not new, Beth." Steph informed me.

I pouted. I was in the hideous school skirt and black stockings. I kept my converse shoes because I have to have something for my own mental security reasons.

"Have you thought about contact lenses?" Steph asked me as she straightened my hair.

"Can't afford them." Was my answer. I didn't like this idea. I know it's my idea but I don't like it.

"Oh, I forget to mention, we have a lift this morning too."

"Who?"

"Dean got his car back from the mechanics yesterday."

"Oh." Was all I could say. I didn't know Dean drove sorta, I did, just not fully registering that he could. I knew Tommy did, but he shares his car with his father.

I knew Steph was worried about me and same with Ally. I could feel it in their body language, see it on their faces. Ally wasn't confident enough on letting me go back to school but I wanted to. There is only so much I can do at home.

Ally gave me a run down on who I should see if I feel too overwhelmed such as a guidance officer, or a school chaplain and I agreed to keep the peace but in reality, I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want anyone else knowing my life and it's details. More than enough people already know.

Steph helped me get ready, finishing my hair as part of her assessment and we didn't have to wait long for Dean and Tommy to turn up.

They pulled up at the gutter, a single horn honk was heard and Steph and I were out the door.

I didn't have my beanie on, instead, it was getting crushed in my fisted hand, my heart rate accelerating, my stomach twisted and knotted as I got to the car.

Steph walked around to one of the back doors where Tommy met her and they kissed as I slid right in.

"Stephanie told me you were coming today, but I couldn't message you because you don't have a phone." I heard Dean as I looked at him. I was sitting directly behind him and I watched through the rearview mirror. He didn't look at me at all. Not through the mirror, he didn't turn around.

"Sorry." I mumbled out, slouching in the seat. Tommy and Steph got in the car and nothing more was said about that conversation. The drive to school was short as Steph spoke of many things in such a small time period.

Dean parked the car in the student and staff car park and we all got out. I do admit, it was a nice ride. It was a sedan, maybe nearly ten years old and from what I saw on the inside and out, it was looked after. I saw the visible green P plates shown on the boot letting other drivers know that Dean was still learning in his driving but from that short time in the car, he seemed to be a precarious driver.

Steph wrapped my arm around hers and before I knew what was happening, we were off. We walked, nearly jogging to her classroom for hairdressing and I was breathless when we got there.

Many times I went to hold the silly school skirt I'm wearing down, preventing it from flicking up.

Steph knocked on the door and within seconds, the door opened and before us was a lady that looked to be in her fifties, her hair bleached blonde and her eyebrows drawn on staring at us.

"Yes, Stephanie?" She spoke with a sharp clip. Probably annoyed that we interrupted something.

"Good morning, miss." Steph chipped out in a cheerful mood. "This is Beth, my assessment."

The teachers eyes darted to me and I felt scrutinized. She signalled for me to turn around and I did, giving her all angles of my head and hair.

I heard the humming in her throat as she looked at my hair, her long fingers going through it made me cringe. I didn't know there would be touching.

Then the sour faced teacher smiled and it was wide and warm. "Well done Stephanie. I'll make note of it on your assessment paper."

Steph nodded and smiled, taking my hand. "Thanks, miss." She said and turned, making me spin again as we walked away.

"Was that it?" I asked her.

"Yep." She smacked her lips together and I heard the p pop.

We went to the hall as the bell was about to go to await for it to be open for assembly. In the process, I went to put my beanie on and discovered it no longer in my hand.

Slightly panicked, I searched my bag but saw no sign of the wooly object and then my small panic attack happened.

"What's wrong?"

"I can't find my beanie." I stuttered out, still searching my bag.

"You weren't holding it when we got out off the car. I assumed you placed it in your bag."

I froze then sighed a small breath of relief. It'll still be in Dean's car then. That thought made me relax, knowing I haven't lost it. I weaved my arm through Steph's as we walked aimlessly through the school grounds, chatting, keeping our heads close and our voices low.