After the redemption {Sequel}

3 Sleepless nights

Y/N POV

Once again a sleepless night I spent thinking about what happened. Why did it happen? What have I done or maybe not done? Why did I lose my babies? Our babies. I knew that all these thoughts did not help me to process and get over it. But I just couldn't help it.

I stared at the illuminated numbers on the alarm clock and realized that it was two in the morning. Sleep seemed to be avoiding me, but instead my thoughts were revolving around the lives I couldn't save.

I turned to the other side and tried to ignore the pain of the C-section scar. My eyes fell on my peacefully sleeping husband. He looked so exhausted. Adam was as emotionally wounded as I was and yet he remained strong enough to be there for our children when I could not. I was so infinitely grateful to him for that.

Of course I knew he was right, that it could not go on like this. I had to find a way to go back to my old life. If there was such a way, it led through Adam, Aiden and Alice. If anyone could give me the strength to go on, it was my family. My triple A's.

I raised my hand and gently caressed Adam's face. He was so warm and his slow, steady breathing had a soothing effect on me. A calmness flowed through me that I had not felt for a long time. I felt so guilty for shutting him out. He wanted to be there for me and I just would not let him. I realized that I should have been there for him too. Instead, I left him alone in his own grieving process.

It was time for me to pull myself together and fight for a bit of normality. No matter how hard it would be. I owed it not only to myself but also to my husband and especially to my children.

Just as I was having these thoughts I heard a soft whimper on the baby monitor. Alice had another nightmare. That was the reason why Adam put the baby monitor back in her room. Usually Alice slept through everything, just like her big brother. But due to the events of the last weeks she would wake up almost every night.

My grief had always prevented me from going to her until now. I was like paralyzed. So Adam had to sit by her bed every night until she calmed down. That would stop now. 

I carefully got out of bed and turned off the baby monitor so Adam could continue sleeping. I hurried to the door, but once there I hesitated again. I reached for the door handle, took a deep breath and was finally able to open that damn door.

As fast as I could I hurried into Alice's room. My little one sat in her bed and sniffed while she embraced her cuddly bunny with both arms. I went to her and lifted her into my arms. She immediately dropped her stuffed animal and wrapped her little arms tightly around my neck.

"Shhh...I'm here baby. Mama is here. Everything is fine" I whispered into her ear as I rocked her gently.

"Mama...missed Mama...Mama..." she sniffed over and over again. It broke my heart that I let this happen. My poor little angel.

"It's gonna be okay, Ally. Mama is with you. I've got you. You're safe." I reassured my daughter and stroked her back, soothing her.

"Love you Mama... miss babies..." whispered Alice.

"I love you too and I miss our babies too, so much. Do you want to sleep in the big bed with Mama and Daddy tonight?" I asked her softly to distract myself from the thoughts that threatened to surface again.

"Yes...cuddle with Mama." she replied and I felt her nod her head.

"Okay let's go cuddle my little angel" I said and carried her into our bedroom.

As we lay there cuddled together, my eyes suddenly became heavy and I had to yawn. Maybe now I was finally able to sleep with my daughter in my arms.