After the redemption {Sequel}

13 Doubts

For two weeks I knew that I was pregnant again. For two weeks I was once again in a roller coaster of emotions. I wanted so much to be happy about this baby. Just like Adam was. I wanted to see it as a gift and a new chance. But my fear of another miscarriage just didn't allow that to happen.

Today I had my first doctor's appointment, but I was more than a little hesitant to go there. Every ultrasound examination since the loss of the twin was connected inseparably with fear and pain.

We hadn't told anyone about my pregnancy yet, not only because it was clearly too early to tell, but because I didn't want everyone to know. I wanted to keep it to myself as long as possible. In case it didn't end well again.

Together with the children we ate breakfast so that we could drop them off at the preschool on the way to the doctor. After everyone finished and the kids helped clear the table, Adam went to the bathroom to get ready. Meanwhile, I helped the children get washed and dressed.

"Alice my angel, what would you like to wear today?" I asked my daughter when we looked in her closet together.

"This shirt and these jeans," she said and pulled the pieces out of the closet.

"Again? Are you sure?" I asked her in consideration of the fact that she chose a UE shirt for the fifth time in a row. She was so much Daddy's girl.

"Yes, Mama. I like it," she replied confidently.

"Okay. And you want to dress yourself, right?" I wanted to know from my little independent queen.

"Right." she said with a grin.

"Alright. I'll be right back. I'm just going to check on your brother," I told her. When I checked on Aiden, I discovered that he was already dressed. Aiden was sitting on the floor in his room playing with his cars.

"Hey, pumpkin. Already done? Let me see." I said to my son, who immediately got up and presented me with his outfit for the day. He wore jeans too, but unlike his sister, he had chosen his favorite superhero shirt.

"You did great, sweetheart. I'm proud of you. You can keep playing until Mama and Daddy are done, okay?" I said to him.

"Okay Mama." Aiden replied and turned his attention back to his toys.

"So my angel. Are you ready?" I asked as I went back into Alice's room.

"Do I look good, Mama?" she wanted to know when she stood in front of her mirror. I knelt down next to her and tugged her shirt straight.

"Yes, you look very good. Well, you can go play and Mama is going to get dressed too," I told her and gave her a quick kiss on her hair. Amazingly, her hair had survived getting dressed today.

I went into the bedroom to pick out something to wear. It was good that I had already taken a shower in the evening, as Adam seemed to need forever in the bathroom again. When I looked at myself in the full-length mirror, my hands unconsciously moved to my stomach and stayed there. 

I prayed in silence that hopefully everything would be okay and that I would be spared any more pain. But doubts immediately surfaced again. 

Suddenly, warm hands lay over mine and I felt my husband put his chin on my shoulder. Adam pulled me close and kissed my temple. Afterwards our eyes met in the mirror. His look showed concern. He was worried, as always, about how I would be on this day.

"Are you ready?" he whispered into my ear after we had been standing in front of the mirror for several minutes and rested our hands protectively on top of our unborn baby.

"Not really. But...I can't get around it," I sighed heavily.

"Everything will be okay, Y/N. I am with you," he replied softly.

Adam had faith that this time it would turn out well and I tried to stay positive. But once you have experienced what can happen, it is not easy to leave it behind.

Still, I was thankful that I had him by my side and that he kept reassuring me that I was not alone.