Her Broken Soul

Aching to just be okay

I pull up to school and park climbing out of my jeep and slamming the door especially hard. I pull my hoodie up, headphones already in and walk across the parking lot, head down and music blaring. 

I get inside and head to my locker and switch out my books. I feel someone watching and I look up, seeing no one I sigh and shut my locker heading to first period, passing by Cameron, Wren and a group of others all chatting away. My eyes lock with Cameron's, I see a emotion briefly flash in his eyes before he looks away breaking eye contact. 

I sigh, "Of course he doesn't care.. He's just like everyone else Melissa. They all hate you or they use you and then leave you." I think to myself as I slide into my seat in the back. I pull out my notebook and begin working on the missing work I had from being gone for a while. 

Soon class starts and the teacher drones on but I still focus on the work in front of me knowing if I look up I will lock eyes with the teacher and he will call on me. Its a game I like to play, called invisible. Its simple really, I pretend he's not boring holes in my head waiting on me to look up so he can call on me and he keeps staring as if begging me to look up. But jokes on him, its been 6 weeks in this class and I haven't looked up yet.

Another torturous 45 minutes later the bell rings and I shove my incomplete assignments into my folder and grab my bag, placing the done ones on his grading table and head out. I feel eyes on me again but this time I don't bother looking up. 

"Biology is done Mel, next is Geography.. with Cameron.. and then art, Chemistry, lunch and then calculus. God this is going to be a long day... he is in four of my classes.." I ramble to myself under my breath as I head into Geography. I scope the seats for a new seat, I used to sit next to Cameron but there was no way I'd be doing that ever again. I score a spot by the windows, three from the front, it will have to do. 

Plopping down I pull out my massive text book and turn the volume of my music down. The tardy bell rings and I look up to the board as the teacher begins to write today's lesson. Out of the corner of my eye I see Cameron enter and look at me then the empty desk next to the one he slides into and look hurt. He quickly faces the board as the teacher begins talking. 

The whole hour and twenty minutes of class I found it unbelievably hard to focus, my mind drifting from my confusing feelings for Cameron, to him and Wren, to my mom, then to Taylor and finally back to my internal turmoil of feelings and how I am going to manage to avoid everyone. 

I snap out of my thoughts as the bell rings, signalling class was over. I quickly scribble the assignment down and hurry to pack my stuff up. I notice Cameron lingering by the door, causing me to panic slightly as I throw my bag over my shoulder and keep my head down attempting to walk around him. 

"Melissa, can we talk? Please..." Cameron pleads softly, his hand grasping my arm weakly. 

I bite back my tears as I look up at him, putting on a glare to hide my internal vulnerability. "What else is there to say? You pretty much summed it all up this morning to Wren and me." My voice was as cold as ice, shocking me and apparently Cameron by the wide eyed look he was giving me. I yank my arm away and walk to art, praying that I manage to keep myself together even though every inch of me is begging to fall apart. I mean, I didn't just fall for Cameron, but he was my best friend since diapers, he was there when my dad died, when my world was falling apart and my mom becoming this distant and cold person she is now, no matter what I could always count on him. I trusted him, he was like the only family I really had left. And it hurts so bad, like loosing my dad all over again. I feel my heart shattering and I want to let out this ugly heart-wrenching sob but at the same time I feel numb. 

I bite my lip hard, a trick I do when I feel like crying as it distracts me from my thoughts and I enter art, heading straight to my workstation where my untouched painting of the milky way waited for me. Soon Cameron enters but he grabs his things from our shared work station and moves to an empty spot next to Max, leaving me alone at the table.  

I focus my attention back to my work, trying so hard to just be okay..

Soon its time for lunch, the last two classes passed in a blur. I wasn't really hungry so I decided to skip, heading outside and sliding down against the cool brick exterior of the school building, opening up my folder and beginning to work on missing assignments. 

I was so focused that I didn't notice the approaching footsteps until there were a pair of sleek black combat boots standing in front of me. I look up to find their owner and lock eyes with Taylor. I give him an attempt at a smile, a very weak attempt. 

He wordlessly plops next to me and offers me a spare apple I gladly take and we sit in silence like that eating our apples and staring off at the crowded outdoor cafeteria that was designated for seniors until the bell rings signalling it was time for our last period. He offers a hand as he stands which I gladly take. 

I give him one last smile as I reach Calculus, this time much brighter than before. He smiles back and walks to his desk as I sit in mine across the room. Immediately class begins and just like that it was back to reality. That small break from feeling all of this was nice while it lasted, although it confused me even more.

Finally school was over and was soon pulling into my drive. I park, surprised to see my moms car I head inside. Lilacs and vanilla immediately swarm my senses and I find myself smiling. It had been so long since I came home to that smell. 

The house would always be filled with this smell when my dad was alive. My mom had thousands of candles and it was my fathers favorite. But when he died my mom took them all away and the house felt so cold and empty without the warm greeting smell or my father. I longed for that smell for so many years after he died just wishing it all back to the way it was again but it remained cold and lifeless.

But today the smell and candles were back. 

I walk further into the house, curious as to why it was back. I head to my moms room when I hear noises coming from the kitchen and change my direction to there instead. "Mom?" I call softly as I enter the kitchen.

For once she was cooking a homemade meal, and from the looks of it, my favorite-chicken parmesan. She immediately stops upon seeing me and walks over, hugging me tightly. "Mel.. Thank god you're okay!  I went away for a few days on a last minute business trip and my phone died. When I got it charged I got the message from the hospital. I came home as soon as I heard. Please don't ever try to kill yourself ever again.. I can't loose you too.."

I feel myself finally fall apart as I sob helplessly into her shirt and she plays with my hair soothingly. "I won't mom, I promise. I'm sorry.."

She pulls away and wipes my tears with her thumb a soft guilty smile on her face, "I'm the one that should be sorry. I have been so cold and work driven and I haven't been the mom that I needed to be. I'm sorry shortcake. I promise from now on things will be different. I got a promotion at work that requires less hours of me and better pay and I finally got rid of your fathers things. Its time we finally move on." 

I nod, shocked at this sudden change. She goes back to cooking and I sit at the kitchen island keeping conversation with her as I do my homework. 

I tell her about everything, from cameron and I's confession and kiss, to Wren betraying me with Max, to Wren and Cameron, to my lack of eating, to my self harm and finally landing on Taylor Johnson. It felt so good to finally be able to talk to someone about everything, especially when that someone was my mother. 

Soon we eat and wash the dishes together as we dance really silly to Rhianna and laugh like maniacs. It has been so long since this kitchen and this house has been filled with the aroma of food and the sounds of laughter and music. I didn't realize how much I missed it until now.

Much later, after showering and climbing into bed, utterly exhausted with a stupid smile plastered on my face as I slowly begin to doze off I can't help but to think,"maybe things will be okay after all.."  and with that I fall fast asleep..