The Mechanism of Life

𝙴𝙸𝙶𝙷𝚃

𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘨: 𝘛𝘸𝘰 𝘖𝘧 𝘜𝘴, 𝘓𝘰𝘶𝘪𝘴 𝘛𝘰𝘮𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘰𝘯

p.jm

He was quiet every since the flight. The experience sickening to him. He isn't scared of the flight per se, but he didn't expect Yoongi to be that cold. Yeah, he hated him just as much, but the way Yoongi curtly said no and ignored him hurt. Even if Yoongi would've taunted him, teased him for his fear, he would've been okay. Anything but the silence he had to deal with it.

He remembered that Taehyung and Jungkook had asked him to message them after landing. So, he tiredly pulled out his phone and sent a message in the group. His hands shook a little as he typed the short message but he ignored it. Right now, they were in a cab to the hotel that had been booked by the university. 

Jimin glanced over to his side. Yoongi was looking outside the window. They both hadn't spoken since the take off. Jimin tried to annoy the other. To get him to start a fight. Or even a few taunts. But there was nothing. And the silence was choking. 

He sucked in a deep breath, sliding down on the seat as plugged in his ear phones and opened up his recorder. He scrolled through the list before getting to what he needed and pressed on the played button. Soon, the world around him drowned out as he quietly fell into a numbing bliss. 

His eyes looked outside the slightly tinted window of the cab. The world passing by in the blur and at times he wondered how much of a role he played. It wasn't cloudy here like in Seoul. The sun shone brightly. Warm rays, clear skies. But everything was so gray to him. 

So plain, it almost hurt. 

He knew what caused this exact emotions. The reason, neurotransmitters in brain— serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine— these chemicals are responsible for happiness, and when there is an imbalance in their quantities, it triggers momentary phases of sadness. But he always felt it was more than just chemicals. Even though he studied about them, he found it hard to believe that mere chemicals can cause such a movement in a person's actions, and thoughts.

He had been told it would take around thirty minutes from the airport to reach the hotel, but Jimin wasn't sure when and how the time passed and the cab came to a stop. Jimin got off, sharing the amount of the fare with Yoongi before heading towards the lobby. Their rooms had already been booked. Two person, each room. Jimin wasn't surprised when he found he was supposed to share room with Yoongi. He quietly took the key, waiting for Yoongi to get inside before going upstairs to their floor. 

Jimin abruptly stopped right in front of the door, when the current audio changed inside his ears. His eyes widening a little. He gulped, trying to open the door with shaky hands. Yoongi was right behind, and he really hoped to hear anything to change his chain to thoughts. But the other almost didn't even acknowledge his presence. 

He let out a shaky breath as he walked into the room. There were two beds, side by side with a nightstand in between. Jimin quickly threw his bag on the bed, before sitting down. He removed his earphones and put them away. Closing his eyes as he laid down to distract himself.

"The conference is tomorrow at nine in the morning." He heard Yoongi say. A little relieved to finally hear a different voice tear through the silence.

"It takes around twenty to get from here to the conference building." Yoongi added, "So, get ready accordingly."

Jimin pressed his lips together and smiled a little, "I will."

Yoongi looked at him confused, even shocked, at the sudden polite gesture, but didn't comment anything about it. 

"I'll be back." Yoongi mumbled as he walked towards the door. 

"Okay..." Jimin waited till he heard the door open and then close before finally letting his tears fall. He had grown used to crying quietly and keeping to himself. It was almost daunting, the way he couldn't cry out loud no matter how much he wanted to. 

He got up, picking up his phone, as he walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He didn't pay much attention to the cleanliness of the place. He couldn't bring himself to. Leaning against the wall, he opened his contacts and called the third number on his favorites. 

He took in a shaky breath as he put his phone next to his ears. Hearing the familiar tune of the rings. Seven rings and the call went to the answering machine. Jimin sucked in a deep breath, preparing for the message. 

'Hey, I'm probably not picking up your call willingly because you're not my baby Jimin. Leave your message after the beep!'

Jimin chuckled hearing the playfulness in the voice. And as soon as he heard the beep, he let out a choked sob. Wiping the tears that continued falling quietly. 

"Hey," He spoke, "It's been a while since I called you. Sorry."

Jimin sighed, looking up, "Yeah, I know you won't hear this anytime soon, but yeah, it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Hey, do you remember about that competition I always used to talk about?" Jimin chuckled, "Yeah, I finally took part it in... and..."

He closed his eyes, trying to even his breaths but it was so hard. So hard when it felt like his heart was slowly being ripped out from his chest. His lungs were tied together. Getting tighter and tighter, till he couldn't breathe. "And I really wish you were here with me. I-I miss you so much."

"And I just-just wanted to say," Jimin choked, clutching onto his aching chest, "I love you...so much."

With that Jimin ended the call, crouching down as the last bit of his resolve broke down in crumbles. Leaving him feeling achingly exposed and raw. He gasped, trying to let even a little bit of air to his lungs. But he couldn't when everything felt like it was collapsing slowly. 

His fingers curled up around his locks. Pulling on them harshly. Jimin wanted to cry out loud, maybe that would decrease the pain, but he couldn't. Only a silent scream that was bound to go unheard by everyone. 

He curled himself up. Hugging his knees. Hoping this would be over soon. Hoping his hands would stop shaking, his tears would stop falling and it stop hurting so much. It was drawing him insane to die everyday and live just enough to go through it all over again. 

"It feels so lonely..." Jimin whispered. 

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