It was a 20 minutes walk from E.J.'s to Nini's. That night she only made it in 10. She was glad that it was the middle of the night and no one was on the streets. If someone wanted to kidnap her, they probably got scared by her ugly crying. She didn't even try to hide it or be quiet. She felt broken, used. She remembered her break up with Ethan. Her relationship with him. Since day one she always felt it was one sided, she never felt loved. He used to call her "babe", but it felt forced. She never felt true love with him. She never felt that string that attaches you to the other person. That constant feeling of loving someone, thinking about him all the time. Everytime they would hang out, she was just waiting for it to be over. She thought that maybe it was her. He was already a mature young man, and she was still a 16 year old. He never forced her to do anything, but he was getting tired of not getting anything from her. She tried to talk him about it, he just said "sure babe". He never listened to her. He was just a dumb boy who wanted to be liked. He actually got popular by association. He "bonded" with the captain of the football team, because the other asshole started to ask questions about Nini. He started to go out more, he hooked up with a lot of girls, while being with her. The whole school just applauded him for it. Everyone would stare at Nini and look down at her with pity. She found out later that it was because she had been cheated on. She showed up at one of the parties, she saw him and he looked down at her and kept kissing another girl. She was heartbroken, but because she felt used, dirty, stupid. She got her soul broken, her personality, her strength. She never loved him, not really. She realized that after meeting Ricky, he made her feel complete. He never judged her, always listened to her, he would hug her or hold her hand everytime she needed it. She never said it tho, he just knew. All the butterflies that she didn't feel in 18 years, she felt them with him. When they started to hang out, he made her feel good about herself again. She always had Kourtney by her side but she never told anything to her, she didn't want her to worry about her. But when she started to hang out with all of Ricky's friends, she started to open up more with Kourtney, and started to trust people again. Before them, she was tired of people hating on her that she gave up on trying to be nice and making new friends. Maybe that's why she felt so betrayed when she saw Ricky kiss Gina. It wasn't only him that she was losing, she was losing all of them. Because why would they take her side instead of her friend for years. But if she was being honest, she did know why she felt like that. She was way too in love with him, and she did think it was both sided. Finding out that way that it was not, it was heartbreaking. When she saw Gina coming closer to him, she just thought it was because they came together, but she kissed him instead. Nini stood there for 5 seconds expecting him to do something, but he didn't. He stood there, kissing her back. She turned around and left. When she arrived home, she felt this wave of loneliness hit her. Her moms were on a business trip, again. Kourtney was with Ash, Madison was...well she didn't give a fuck about her. Not anymore. And all the boys were about her. Not anymore. And all the boys were either drunk or home. The only person she wanted to talk about what she was feeling, was the same person who made her feel like this. She went to her room and started to cry even harder than before. Until she had no tears left to cry. She was having the best night of her life, dancing with her friends, not caring about anyone else. She was ending the night with a heartbreak and alone. She grabbed her phone and saw that she was tagged in a lot of tweets. She took a deep breath and opened them. She didn't realize the tears until they started to fall on her screen. Out of hurt and anger she tweeted something. She locked her phone and laid down. She took five deep breaths as her old therapist taught her.
One. I don't deserve this.
Two. I need to sleep.
Three. Everything has a reason.
Four. Tomorrow is a new day, today: breath.
Five. It's going to be okay.
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