Kleptomania | Billie Eilish

Twelve

Maddie

After leaving Billie's, and thanking her for letting me stay with her. I drive to a local coffee shop to get my daily wake up call.
I missed my morning shift at K-Mart hours ago but it's too late now, and I'm too fucking mentally drained to go. I'll go to my other shift later tonight at the parlor.
Billie was sweet to let me stay the night over. But this morning, I'm feeling fucking dumb for breaking down in front of her. Most people I know never see me cry. Sydney has a few times, but she's always crying to me so I guess that made me more comfortable to show my vulnerability. With Billie though, it doesn't seem like she'd cry in front of me.

I'm just glad she didn't push further to find out what happened with my parents, and the bruising. I know she would freak out but I mean, I wouldn't blame her if she did. I don't want to drag her into this shit, I'll figure it out on my own.
Plus, I already told her about Audrey, which was kinda a stretch. My old friends back in Pittsburgh never knew about Audrey since I was new there too. I never told them about her.

If she was still here, everything would be different. My mom wouldn't be two seconds from burning out and my dad wouldn't be a sad drunk. She was the glue of the family and when she passed, everything fell to shit.

My mom has this voice in the back of her head telling her that if she lets my father in a divorce, she'll lose me too. She's already lost one of her daughters, so she's trying to keep all of us together for as long as possible. But at this point, it's getting unsafe and she won't face up to what her husband is doing to the both of us.

Talking about Audrey to Billie last night reminded me of how much I miss her. After moving to LA, I tried to forget about her honestly. Every time I saw a picture of her or even thought of her I would just shrink into a ball and picture what my life would be like if she was still here. Mom would be happy and wouldn't fake a smile, Dad wouldn't be a drunk and would still take me out for pizza every Thursday night. And I wouldn't be a kleptomaniac. So much shit could've been avoided. Additionally, my relationship with my parents would be stronger and we would be a family.

Audrey was the reason I started lifting. Six months after she passed I started feeling urges to steal a candy bar or a toy whenever I went out with my Mom to a store. It confused me and I had no other way to express my grief or sadness for the accident. My parents didn't put me into therapy, or extra sports, or made me go hang out with friends. Like what normal parents to do for their kids when their sibling passes away at a young age. So all of my feelings were kept up inside and the only way to get out those negative emotions, was by stealing.

I remember the first time I shoplifted. My Mom took me to the grocery store before dinner to pick up a few things. She was standing in line as we checked out and a giant, red 100 grand bar caught my eye, those were my favorites as a kid. I remember looking back at her then at the candy bar considering if I should take it. Then I slipped it into my jeans pocket and then I took another candy bar and then I took a pack of gum next to it. I began to freak out and take as many things as I saw, I didn't know how to steal but I wanted to and I wasn't doing a very good job at it.

The cashier saw me stealing and called me out immediately which made my mom extremely embarrassed and thrash out in anger. She kept pleading to the cashier that I've never done this before and it was just a mistake. The cashier was even more of an asshole about it and kicked us out and didn't let my mom take her groceries home and gave her a refund.
My Mom was fucking raging in the parking lot at me, I've never seen her so mad. We were tight on money at the time after Audrey passed because that's when my Dad started to drink and then very soon he lost his job. My Mom was only working a part-time job because of not going to college, she was never working a good job even when Audrey was alive. My Dad provided most of the money.