I'm Scared Of You.

41

I was never normal.
Not when I was born. Not when I'm this old, married.
I don't know why I came out this way, I guess I was just born defective.

But so are my siblings. Why was I the problem and not Benedicta's crazy ass? Maybe because her type of crazy is the type that brings money.

I just bring sorrow.

But she understood me.

Loretta.

She always did.

"There you are.", I said.
Loretta was wearing a long white silk dress. She was on her knees facing a box with mice.

" I was always here Sol"

I stared at her in amusement.

"He broke up with me."

"That's too bad I guess." She said feeding her mice.

"Do you have something to do with that occurrence?"

"Yes.", she grabbed the tiny mouse in her hand.

"You're embarrassing."

"I know," she said. "But I can't help it. I can't! I can't stand to see you with someone else!!" She said turning around.

Surprised she looked at her hand stained with blood and intestines.

"Sorry..., she said.

"Well don't waste it. Eat it.", I demanded annoyed.

" But Solomon - This is for your snakes."

"Eat it up."

She looked at me and then at her hand.

"If that makes you happy... I will.  I will do anything."

"Stop talking and start doing it."

She was about to swallow it when Violet came inside.

"What the fuck?!", she yelled.

Loretta hid her hand behind her back and I turned around to see Violet.

" Just playing sister."

"Solomon what... What kind of game is this?"

"Oh, as if you don't play funny games with our big brother, little slut."

Huh?

"What do you mean?"

"It's nothing! Ignore her Solomon she's crazy."

"So is Solomon. That's why we're perfect together. And that's why you have to leave now before we kill you.", Loretta said that while walking towards us and hugging me from behind. She then ended the sentence by throwing the dead mouse towards Violet.

She ran away crying.

"Poor kid. Stop making fun of her."

"I hate that she's always trying to play with you. Why can't she leave us alone?"

"She's 11 Loretta."

"I don't want anything near you. Not even our sister."

"Why not Loretta?"

"Because you're mine. And I'm the only one who understands you. You're different and I love it, I love you."

After a while. Her love became suffocating.
But I thought that's how love was supposed to feel.
My sickness got worse over time.
And I isolate myself far away from everyone.
She did not take it well but after all.
Loretta would do anything for me in exchange for a piece of me.

Saying I love you, a hug, a kiss, or whatever I was in the mood for.

Whatever it was. She would happily take it. No complains, only yes's. No boundaries. No lies. Both of us being equally fucked and honest.
I never treated her good I enjoyed watching her suffer over me. I hated and loved that's she was obsessed with me. That I didn't have to go try at all to get attention or anything that I wanted. Never having to insist on anything because I would have it the first time. Never knowing what No meant.
Not having to be nice is kind to get that feeling back.
Not having to express my feelings because Loretta would always know what was wrong and how to solve it.
She raised me like a savage. Because she thought she was going to be the only one I would ever have to be with.

But then I meet her, and she hated my guts. And I didn't like it.

I expected everything to be easy. Just like with Loretta.

Margo was a pleaser. Always was be.
I could have anything I wanted but...

But she didn't love me.
She wasn't obsessed.
She wouldn't die for me.
She hated me.
She would do anything for me because of fear not because of love.

I wasn't used to rejection.
And I didn't know explaining my personality or letting someone know me would be so hard. So I just skipped that part. Not even I can understand how I am. So tiring and bothering.

Ugh, why can't she know what I'm thinking about just by seeing me. So annoying.

I wasn't her world. It was his stupid brother.

Her stupid brother. Not me.

I can't understand at what point I became the obsessed one.

I never pursued anything or anyone.

Why her?

Why did she refuse so much?

Margo broke everything.

I felt human.
With flaws and mistakes.

She showed me them.
But old dogs don't learn new tricks.

But she persisted. She left. She fought. She was so so desperate to leave. And that just made me more desperate to have her.

Love is so unfortunate.

Always. And for everyone.

And I just wanted to have Margo.

I wanted her.

But he always got in the way.

"Better luck next time." It mocks.

Knowing I will never learn to control it.

But for her...

I can try another next time and another one.

Maybe old dogs can learn new tricks.

I hope old dogs can learn new tricks.