She Said What?

Chapter 52: I am Caught in a Storm This Time

A/N: Erm...well...this is not as happy a chapter as the last one, with the declarations of love and being okay again. But I'd start getting used to drama. I'm very poorly trying to transition us into something a little bit darker in order to make room for the big drama I'm planning. So bear with me. These fault lines are for the best.

Also – if I take maybe a week or more to update a chapter, it's likely because a) I've got a lot of homework, b) I'm putting it off because my mood is wrong, or c) I'm writing my start-of-2010 fic. I'm just letting you know so I can do whatever I want and not have to explain myself.

Cheers, you lot. Good luck in there.

March 16

6:00 PM
Status: Shaking

Oh Merlin.

I've rarely felt like this before. I'm quaking, blood rushing through my ears and through my face, and sitting down is a relief because my legs are made out of jello. I'm distraught; I'm upset; I'm betrayed; and I'm hurt. I must be somewhere near the bottom – that's how terrible I feel.

Why?

The reason is simple: Livvy.

See, today, I fulfilled James's request from the other night and we went on a walk together around the Black Lake. It was nice, it was easy, the two of us taking on what felt like an extra patrol outdoors – we walked and we talked and we laughed. The conversation was light, nothing groundbreaking, and really, it felt like any other moment, any other time.

The only thing that was different about this moment and this time, however, was merely that...well...we were touching more.

No, no, it's nothing gross or pushy or uncomfortable, no, nothing like that. It's just little things – like nudging shoulders, or holding hands, him stroking my hair or me trying to neaten his. We've always hugged and shoved each other playfully, that's nothing new, but it takes on a different context when you realize what we're doing here.

We're together now. We are linked inexorably, him to me and me to him, and what we do from here on out will affect the other. It's the strangest thing to think about – because I mean, me and Alice are the same way, but there's so much more formality when you consider a boyfriend.

He could be forever, that boy. He's your best friend, but he's also a partner who could potentially mean the world, a person who hugs you, kisses you, maybe has sex with you somewhere in the future.

It's a commitment and I'm actually on that very real path, on the verge of meaning the world to him.

Of course, this sort of thing has happened before. I'm not without the usual palette of crap ex-boyfriends, nor am I a virgin. I've been on this path several times before. I've loved and been loved in return. But this is different, because James does nothing halfway. He told me once that when it comes to relationships, he wants all or nothing, and I have a hard time believing he will be nothing to me. So now I'm faced with the prospect of 'all' and I swear, he makes me feel like nobody in the world does.

Somehow, I know we're going to be together a long time; and that makes me feel unsteady in a startling but magnificent way.

My head and heart were full with this hard-hitting lightness when I came back inside the castle. I couldn't stop smiling. He put me in the kind of mood where I wanted to fly and twirl and giggle and sing and be a stupid little girl, because I liked him and he liked me and it's fabulous in a chaotic, mad, wonderful sort of way. He made me crazy and today, I liked that.

Hoping to share some of my sunshine with my friends, I sauntered into the common room to find Alice and Livvy. It didn't take long to find them – they were lounging about in the dormitory, Livvy reading and Alice consuming a mountain of candy. They both looked up in surprise to see me.