She Said What?

Chapter 61: I Find Some Sort of Resolution

A/N: Wow, I'm astonished at the vehement reaction I got when I said I'd cut fluff. I didn't realize fluff was so important to you guys. Maybe I won't cut it, but I'm still not sure. It's...I dunno, it's kind of silly. Legitimate, but irritating to write. I think I'm going to keep the idea, but rearrange a few things in my outline.

That means...total chapter count has been set to 70, you lot. And we're at 61 now. I'm telling you, it doesn't feel like it, but this story is starting to wind down a little bit.

This chapter is pretty damn depressing, but I promise, promise, promise – this is the last of such chapters, 'kay?

Let's get through this, then, shall we?

This chapter you should listen to: October and My Immortal, by Evanescence; Passing Afternoon, by Iron and Wine; Worlds Apart, by The Veronicas.

April 29

3:15 PM
Status: Shaken

After the bombshell dropped on me after Easter break, and even before that, I've come to figure out that the most game-changing days of your life are often the days you don't plan on having. You get up in the morning, like you do every other morning, and then things change, just like that, and you're left dangling off the edge, clinging on for dear life, wondering how you got here and why.

That's the nature of surprise – it takes your world over, suddenly and without warning, and that's when you figure out who you really are, how much you can really take.

And me...I think I've surpassed my own expectations for myself in these past few days.

Before this, I would've thought I would drown under the misery; but when you really look at it, I think I've done a damn good job. I've held up for Alice, James, and Livvy – all three being clearly traumatized – and I let them need me. I've been keeping up okay with class-work (probably the craziest part of the ordeal – I mean, I'm barely caught up when my emotional health is in fact stable) and I've even squeezed in a little studying for NEWT exams.

Even after all that has been thrown at me – even after today – I've made it out okay. Maybe a little worse for the wear, maybe a little belittled and helpless, but I'm hanging on. Somehow, someway, I really, really am.

And this idea – of my having an actual spine, I mean – hit me today after my latest conversation with Alice and Livvy.

We were sitting in my dormitory, as we've been doing for the past several nights, in our old respective places – Alice plopped on my belly atop my bed, me sitting at my desk, Livvy plopped on her belly on the floor. The air was quiet, save for the sound of scratching quills, as we muddled through tonight's work-load.

Livvy has been getting better about doing her homework in the past couple of nights – she's found that it's a very good distraction from whatever else is going on – but her pace is still slower than mine and Alice's, her quill lingering a few seconds too long over the parchment before she writes something down.

I was in the midst of wracking my brains for that last damned use of dragon blood when, from totally out of the blue, Livvy's soft voice broke the spell of (relative) silence.

"Erm...Lils? Alice?" Her voice was barely over a whisper, and yet, we somehow heard her.

"Yes?" Alice answered before me, her voice audibly careful, but so much louder and obvious than Livvy's.

"You okay, Livs?" I asked, peering down at her from my spot on the bed. She appeared subdued in a determined sort of way – like she wasn't sure if she should speak her mind or not, but wanted to. "Is something up?"