LOOSE - a Bill Hader Novel

III

The sky was blue and dotted with clouds that Monday morning, the spring bringing a crispness to the air. Horns honked on the street below and the sun bounced off the skyscrapers surrounding Emerald, as she stretched on a yoga mat on the balcony of her apartment in Manhattan.

In downward dog, upside down, she thought maybe she could get a new perspective on things. Writer's block was a bitch, and it had been plaguing her for a couple months now. Most days she sat in her apartment at the piano, playing random, meaningless chords to lyrics like fuck my life and I hate everything. She secretly smoked the occasional stress cigarette (if anyone found out, they'd just tell her she needed to quit to save her voice - she already knew) and drank coffee at practically all hours of the day.

She missed her mother. Though it sometimes seemed the whole world was interested in meeting her, Emerald had never felt so lonely, and she would give anything to be able to pick up the phone and tell her mom exactly what was wrong.

When she wasn't touring, she was usually at least writing, and when she wasn't writing, she could normally go out and do something fun. But things weren't normal any more, and going out was exhausting due to paparazzi and fans bombarding her. So for the first four months of 2023, she sat at home, bored out of her mind, absolutely nothing going on. Until...

"Emerald! How are you?" Lorne Michaels exclaimed over the phone.

Emerald wiped her sweat on a towel and leaned on the railing of the balcony, adjusting her sports bra. She held her phone to her ear.

"I'm doing well, thank you, how about yourself?"

"Oh, I'm grand, albeit stressed. But I've been stressed for fifty years."

"Understandable," Emerald laughed.

"I have a question for you. My musical guest for this week's show just cancelled - laryngitis - and I wanted to see if you'd like the spot. Since you were just so wonderful last season."

Emerald nearly dropped her phone.

"Oh- I- I wasn't expecting to be invited back so soon." Emerald stuttered.

What song would she perform? She hadn't released anything new since she'd been on the show. But SNL was so much fun to play last time, and she really wanted to be professional and stay on Lorne's good side.

"But this Saturday should work perfectly. I'd love the spot, and thank you so much for thinking of me."

"Perfect! Have your team shoot an email of your ideas to my office, we can get your stage decor and lighting started."

"Will do. Can I ask who's hosting?"

"This week it's Bill Hader."

Emerald's eyes nearly popped out of her head. Her heart pounded in her chest. Had she really just agreed to be on the same episode as Bill?

Note to self, she thought, ask who's hosting FIRST next time.

"Oh, awesome!" Emerald forced out, trying to sound convincing (correction: not convincing at all. 0/10).

"I'll see you Wednesday, Emerald."

"See you then. Thanks again!"

She hung up and braced herself against the rail, suddenly very aware of the roots growing in on her blonde hair and pasty complexion that hadn't seen the sun in months. If she was going to be that close to Bill Hader for that long, she seriously needed a makeover.

But what was she so nervous for? Was she seriously thinking of pursing a man 23 years her senior? And as if he would be interested in dating her. Sleeping with her, maybe, depending on what kind of man he was, but... This was stupid. She had to shake it off.

So when she got her hair done the next day, it was simply to look good for the performance. Really.

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