LOOSE - a Bill Hader Novel

XIV

At four in the morning, Emerald woke up from a dream.

She'd dreamt that her younger self, probably about nine, was walking along the beach in Santa Monica with her mother. The waves crashed along the shore, spraying them with sea mist. Young Emerald looked up to see her mom smiling, long blonde hair flowing in the wind, rays from the California sunshine leaving a sprinkle of freckles on her face.

It had all felt so real, so detailed. And she could remember feeling happy. Light. Loose.

Then, she was in a hospital room.

Emerald was experiencing it all again. Fluorescent lights, the God-awful smell of bleach covering up sickness. And there was her mother, but this time hairless and pale.

"Baby," her mom had said, voice echoing and distant. "Come on, now. Shake it off your shoulders."

In a cold sweat, Emerald jumped, feeling disoriented, her heartbeat pounding in her ears. She brushed the hair out of her face, glancing at the clock on the side table. Her hotel room was pitch black, except for the red light glowing 4:09 AM.

"Fuck," she whispered.

She breathed heavily, propping up on her elbows, her tank top sticking to her sweaty body. She peeled it off and collapsed back onto the pillow, a sob escaping her mouth. Emerald rolled onto her side, crying and crying until she was out of tears, her throat aching and eyes burning. She drifted back to sleep.

The next day, seated at the dining table of her tour bus, Emerald snapped a photo of the forest in Oregon. Tall pine trees lined the highway, a thick fog covering the tops.

Tour looks like Twilight she texted to Bill, with the picture attached.

Ten minutes later, he replied, I've never seen Twilight :/

Emerald laughed at her phone screen. She could almost hear his voice as she read the message, low and smooth. A flash of a memory passed by, the vibration of his voice in her ear as she laid on his bare chest.

E: Well that has to change
B: Ehhhhh I'm not sure I want it to
E: Wow I thought you called yourself a film lover
B: I am. Which is exactly why I don't want to watch Twilight
E: It's a cinematic masterpiece
B: I highly doubt that
E: 😡
B: Ok but we could turn on the movie and then if I hate it we could just make out
E: Ugghhh I guess maybe that could work

"What are you smiling at?" April asked from across the table. She was picking at a kale caesar salad.

Emerald blushed and put her phone down. "Nothing,"

April made eyes at her. Emerald felt an uncomfortable twist in her stomach; embarrassment.

"It's uh... It's Bill." she admitted quietly.

"Ooooh," April sang, laughing through a bite of kale. "How are things with you guys? This has been going on for a little while now."

Emerald cringed, feeling heat rush to her cheeks. "We haven't gotten to spend that much time together, but I really like him."

"That's sweet. You deserve some lovin'."

"Ew, don't say lovin'."

"Sorry."

Emerald sighed and took a sip of water. "Also, I'd appreciate if we keep this between us. I don't want our—relationship, whatever you want to call it, getting out just yet."

"Of course. I just want you happy." April smiled. Emerald smiled back.

The tour bus bumped underneath them, Emerald's muscles sore and aching from the physical demand of tour and her lack of sleep. She'd been having so many horrible dreams lately, realistic and painful, and the exhaustion was weighing on her.