LOOSE - a Bill Hader Novel

XVI

One month later...

@emeraldrowan

"Hi everyone!
First of all, I wanted to thank you all so much for your support on my US tour. It was originally supposed to be just a west coast tour, but the shows sold out so quickly, we decided to extend it! I'm absolutely loving seeing all your beautiful smiling faces and sharing my music with you. I just feel so happy! Link in bio to buy tickets to my shows, they're selling out quickly. Reminder to spread kindness, and love yourself!
Xo, Emerald."

Emerald hadn't written a word of that post.

She sat in the fluorescent lit dressing room of the next venue, not even sure what city she was in. Her heart thumped in a slow, steady rhythm in her ears as Michelle swept eyeshadow on her lids. Her body
felt limp — She was drunk again.

Bill had barely spoken to her over the last month.

"My management doesn't think we should be seen together, at least for awhile." he had said over the phone a few weeks ago.

"Well luckily for you then, I'm in the middle of touring." she had replied snarkily.

She could remember the worry in Bill's voice. "Emerald are—are you okay?"

"Of course I'm not fucking okay!" she'd snapped back. "And you won't even talk to me, so,"

He had heaved a heavy sigh. "It's not that I don't want to talk to you, Em. I'm just doing what my management says. But now I'm worried about you."

"Since when do you care about what your management says?"

"Since always. But I really like you and want to be with you, so—"

"Sure you do. You know, I don't even believe a fucking word you've said." Emerald had interrupted him.

"What? What are you even talking about? Are you drinking or something?"

"Yes! Yes I'm drinking! My whole world is falling apart. So I'm drinking." Emerald had yelled back.

Bill had paused, and she could remember the bottom of her stomach falling out.

"So... Do you want me to help you? And talk to you? Or leave you alone? Because I can't tell."

"Leave me alone. You obviously agree with what everyone is saying. You don't care about me." she'd spat, tears streaming down her face.

"I do care about you! But you aren't taking my feelings about this situation into account at all."

"Your feelings? You completely abandoned me when I needed you most, so, I'm done."

Bill sighed. "O-okay. This sounds like an issue you need to sort out on your own. But, I'm here when you're ready. If you want."

Emerald could remember hanging up without a word and sobbing, feeling like a perfect asshole. She'd sabotaged every good aspect of her life.

But somehow, she couldn't stop. Even in this dressing room, she clutched a beer bottle, mouth curled into scowl. Her drinking was nowhere near as bad as some people's, but she was young, small, and had a low tolerance, so each day on the tour, she got nearly wasted.