Imperfect Harmony: JATP ~Charlie Gillespie~

~Nineteen~

TW: mentions of anxiety 

I show up on set and walk to the studio to find it empty. I look at myself in the mirror, it has only been three weeks but I look so different. I step back outside and run into Madison. She hugs me and scream, "I thought you were dead! You just left and didn't say anything!"

I pull away, "Sorry, I just needed to clear my head."

Mads frowns, "I was really worried. We all were. Especially Charlie, he was a mess." 

My stomach drops at hearing his name. I've pushed him out of my thoughts and focused on myself. 

"Well, next time I leave, I'll try to remember to write a note." I say, smiling. 

Mads gives me a little smile and then suddenly seems to remember something. "You need to come say hi to everyone!" 

We head over the Julie's garage and I watch the boys act out the scene. Charlie spots me and stops speaking half way through his line. Kenny yells to cut and smiles when he sees me, "Makayla! It's so good to have you back!"

I smile, "It's good to be back. Ah-" Owen engulfs me in a hug. 

"Please never leave me again." He says, almost making us fall over. 

The whole cast, except for Charlie, take turns hugging me and yelling at me for leaving without saying anything. I smile at Charlie as he stands off to the side, "Hi."

He doesn't say anything, he just stares at me. I don't blame him, what I did was unfair. 

I turn back to Kenny, "You wanted me to help with a dance?" 

"Oh, yes we are going to actually film that tomorrow. Why don't you go home and get unpacked. It's good to have you back." Kenny says before turning his attention back to the boys. 

I frown and call an uber to take me back home. That was weird. 

When I get home, it only takes me a couple of minutes to unpack and I find myself bored. I tap my fingers on the counter, trying to decide if the thought that popped into my head is a good idea or not. 

I set up my camera and sit on the floor, "Hi everyone, Kaya Harris here. Um, so I like to keep this channel light and fun, but I feel like I need to say something. I've been getting a lot of hate online over a rumor and usually random people talking about me doesn't normally bother me but I've been struggling lately."

"I don't normally talk about my mental health because I feel like its not something people want to hear about because its a hard thing to talk about. But, I realized I don't care anymore about what other people want from me. I've spent my whole life trying to look good and be what others want me to be and that ends now."

I take a deep breath, "I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was fifteen years old and I have been taking medication ever since. It is something that weighs me down every single day and sometimes I just feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm in this hole and slowly sinking."

I crack my knuckles, "So, I wanted to come on here and let everyone know that if you feel alone and like you are constantly trying to catch your breath just know that you are not alone. You are so strong for getting out of bed everyday and facing the world with this pain wearing you down."

I smile at the camera, "Thats all I wanted to say, thank you so much for watching and please remember that you are loved and you are important." 

The next day, I show up on set in midmorning, ready to get to work. An assistant director tells me they are waiting for me they are all in the recording studio. I frown as I jog over there, wondering why am I here if we clearly aren't doing a dance. 

I go over to Kenny and ask what is going on. He smiles, "I may or may not have lied about a new dance. It was a favor for a friend."

"What friend?" I ask, confused at the whole situation. Kenny shushes me and someone inside the booth starts singing, 

"First things first

We start the scene in reverse
All of the lines rehearsed
Disappeared from my mind"

I try to catch my breath as I watch Charlie sing, he stares directly at me. 

"When things got loud

One of us running out
I should have turned around
But I had too much prideNo time for goodbyes
Didn't get to apologize
Pieces of a clock that lies broken"

I can't help but remember our last conversation and how I ran out of town. 

"If I could take us back

If I could just do that
And write in every empty space
The words I love you in replace
And every time would not erase me
If you could only know
I never let you go
And the words I most regret
Are the ones I never meant to leave
Unsaid Emily" 

My heart stops when I hear him say my middle name. 

"Silent days

Mysteries and mistakes
Who'd be the first to break
Guess we're alike that way

He said, she said
Conversations in my head
And that's just where they're gonna stay forever" 

I wipe away the tear that runs down my face and listen to him sing the rest of the song. This can't be real. The studio is silent when he finishes, but I can sense the emotion that wears everyone down. 

"I-I have to go." I say, stepping out of the studio. I quickly walk away, trying to wrap my mind around everything. 

"Kaya." Charlie calls after me. I turn around and face him. This time I'm not running. 

Author's Note: I made Unsaid Emily into a love song and I know some people might not be super happy about that, but I don't care because I thought it fit really well.