wattpad ➳ l.h. [completed]

XXVlX: the cost

When I was 15, I slipped away from the earth and the things that surrounded it.

I was convinced that the world was against me.

I used to unscrew the blade from the pencil sharpener, smuggle liquor from Larry's cabinet, and starve myself until I could barely stand up. I was determined to take everything away from myself, and strip down all of my walls until one day, there was nothing left of me. And that is all that I wanted. To be nothing in the world, until I slipped away.

And that's how I lived life. Up until September of this year, I was convinced that I wasn't supposed to be living life. That I was destined for death.

And then I found Wattpad, and fan fiction became my outlet to my feelings. I poured them all into my stories, and let them stay there.

Then slowly, I stopped drinking Larry's Vodka.

And then, I threw away my blades.

I started to gain back the weight that I had lost, but not too much of it.

It never occurred to me how much of myself I put into those stories.

The old me was someone I never wanted to go back to.

My paranoia had kicked in full time. The constant fear.

The nightmares didn't help me any. Night after night, waking in a cold sweat with tired muscles and a fresh image branded in your mind.

They used to vary.

From death, to loss. But mostly death; suicide.

It was always me who stepped in front of the train, me who stepped off the roof of the building. Me.

I only feared the day when I will not able to stop myself from doing what I do in my sleep when I'm awake.

I no longer looked to sleep as an escape from the world, but as a hell that confined me for what seemed like eternity. There was no sanctuary from what was happening to me.

I took a blade to my skin to drown out the voices that were never quiet, their constant screams and whispers a reminder of the darkness held within me.

The alcohol seemed like an escape at first, the burning feeling that it gave me rushing down my throat, one shot after the other.

But the daze that it left me in is what scared me. It left me with my monsters.

Sometimes, it would be one or two more pills than prescribed to make the world around me become hazy.

I did anything to rid myself of my mind just for a moment, but it never happened. There was no rest.

Everything came back to me in short bursts of memory. Everything of Luke and I.

Every word, every breath, every movement, and I wonder if I ever could have seen it without him having to tell me.

I wonder if I ever would have known about his intentions. If I ever could have gotten away safely.

But the more I think about it, the more inevitable it becomes. Getting away from him.

His smile, his laugh, that fucking lip ring as he kissed me.

It was all poison.

But it was worth it.

I don't know how exactly, but the words that he said to me would ease my mind of the world. He would ease me into a beautiful daydream state.

It was never real though.

It was like he said.

To 'get me', he treated us like a fan fiction.

Like a joke.

Like the work of a seventeen year old girl, who used writing to escape the world of its horrid monsters that lurked everywhere she looked.

But he ruined that too.

I don't get why he took something that should be given, and bought it.

He sold girls.

He sold them.

Sold.

As fucking payment for his fame.

Is fame worth it if a young girl is the cost?

If taking everything that makes a young girl beautiful and stripping it away from her until she is nothing is the cost.

Taking her innocence, her life, and her youth, away from her. Is that worth it?

Is it fucking worth it?

I don't understand how someone can be that cruel, and so blindsided to actually agree to those terms. Especially if they never gave a second thought about the girls. Especially when he was the world to those girls.

I sat in my room, expecting tears, but they never came.

I felt numb.

I didn't understand how I could feel numb at what he had told me.

I expected myself to be freaking out. To be screaming and sobbing, to be lashing out, but I couldn't move.

I couldn't breathe.

I felt as if my heart were to stop beating at any moment.

But it would be okay.

I was so fucking naïve to think that someone other than Sebastian and his family cared about me.

No one ever will.

I was a fuck up from the beginning.

My mother was a teenager, my father disappeared after she told him.

She hated me ever since I was born. I was her impure child.

Savannah was her pride and joy.

But nothing was ever up to my mother. It was all up to Larry.

No one could do anything unless Larry had approved of it.

He is the reason she is dead.

I don't like to blame, but the finger always points at him.

But still, I cannot distract myself long enough to not think about Luke.

I don't fucking get it.

The cost was me.

I was the payment.

I was the cost of his fame.

It was me all along.

And I fell for it.

(A/N)

So a little post Luke sadness....

THIS IS NOT THE END!

This is only the beginning of the story, there is much more to come :))))))

Picture is what my best friend and I do when we are bored :))