Agape Me, Darling

32

Ang paa ko ay nanatili sa kinatatayuan ko at ang bigat ko ay bumigat ng limang milyon beses na higit pa.

The paper on the board enchants my name with its honey dipped voice. It was like I was in the middle of the ocean—the unknown ocean and I was trying to survive. But there was a stone in the middle of that and there was the nymph who was trying to call my voice for help only to find out that help was not in the table but my self.

"Magdidilim na Forsythia," bulong sa akin ni Brianne na nasa tabi ko kanina pa.

Tinaas ko ang kilay ko at binaba ko ang tingin ko sa harap na kung na saan ang papel na 'yun. I fiddled with my fingers on the other hand while the other was in his.

Huminga ako ng malalim. "Bukas ko na lang titignan. Hindi naman nila agad tatanggalin 'yan," sabi ko sa kaniya.

Tinignan ko naman na ang mukha niya ngayon. There was worry in his face and it painted on him like a big canvas. Hanggang sa dahan-dahan siyang tumango sa akin.

"Tinignan mo na ba 'yan kanina?" Tanong ko sa kaniya ulit.

Iniling niya ang ulo niya. He was refusing to talk. I wanted to erase that worry on his face but it seemed like it was in permanent ink. Ayaw ko lang na mag-alala siya sa akin kasi okay lang naman ako. I don't have any problems. Wala naman akong kahit anong iniisip ngayon that could paint his face that color.

Huminga na naman ako ng malalim. I could feel my heart getting heavy each in and out breaths I would take. "Uwi na ren tayo," yaya ko sa kaniya at naglabas ako ng isang ngiti.

At sa wakas, nawala na rin ang mga pinta na kulay na ayaw ko sa mukha niya. The painter painted his lips yellow with a smile that could reach his ear.

"Gusto mo ba lutuan muna kita bago ka umuwi?" Tanong niya sa akin.

Tinango ko naman ang ulo ko sa kaniya with a child smile. "Samahan mo na rin ako kumain."

Nagising ako kinaumagahan. Agad akong tumayo mula sa kama ko at naglakad papunta sa mga bintana na tinatakpan ng kurtina. I moved aside the curtains and there came the dawning sun.

Umupo ako sa isang upuan na direktang nasa harap ng bintana. I hugged myself as the golden light slowly appears and the sun waves in hello at me. The dawning of the new day but this felt like the same as yesterday. And the day after. The day after, after that.

Hindi ko ba alam. Simula nung pumasok ako sa third year namin. Naging magulo na ang buhay ko. I kept on failing and failing then failing. No matter how hard I try to be better and to be back at my excellence, I just can't. I don't know where I started to blunder my life, where I put my feet towards a peril situation but here I am now. Lost and unfound, I don't know what to do. Halos hindi na maramdaman ng mata ko ang isang magandang tulog dahil halos umaga na rin ako natutulog at maaga na rin akong nagigising.

My whole body felt like giving up. It was like my skin hugged my bones tighter this time because it had nowhere to cling to anymore. There are bag under my eyes that shows how much I am struggling today.

Ginawa ko naman ang lahat ng kaya ko. Ginawa ko ang sa tingin ko ay kaya ko. Pero malay ko ba. Hindi ata sapat 'yun para sa iba. Because I still end up in the bottom lane. Sinusubukan ko, oo. Kinakaya ko... ata. Pero it's just enough. Hindi sapat, kulang na kulang para sa kanila.

I'm so close to touching my dreams but there seems to be a blockage for me to make me not have that in my grasp as I reach my hands outwards and outwards but something kept holding my feet backward.

Tinaas ko ang kilay ko ng makita ko na walang tao sa board na kung saan ay kahapon ako nagtambay, kami ni Brianne. Hinakbang ko ang mga paa ko at napalunok din ako. Humakbang ako patalikod. Ang mga daliri ko ay nilagay ko sa kamao ko. Humakbang ako hanggang sa nadatnan ko na lang ang sarili ko na nasa harap na nito. This feels like a precipice in the middle of a peril. This was an ensnaring belligerent.