I Still Love You.

Chapter 6 - I Think I Should Move On.

TW: Mental Illness mentioned. Mental hospital. Self harm. 
Your POV

It's been a few days since I saw Buck. I was sitting in my room I was looking at old pictures of Buck and I in high school, I noticed over the years his smile got wider, but mine seemed to change. I closed my phone and I walked around the room. I closed my eyes, the tears spilled down, tears I've been holding for days. I leaned against the wall and sank down to the floor, I sobbed and screamed, not knowing that my neighbor called 911 because she heard me. I stood up and I paced around my room knocking things over and I walked around the house knocking down pictures here and there glass breaking on the floor, I knocked over flower pots. I grabbed a bookshelf and pulled it to the floor. I stood there sobbing holding my chest, I knew a panic attack when I saw one. I saw some glass on the floor. I didn't even hear the sirens until I heard my door breaking down. I was holding a big piece of glass in my hand. I saw the 118 standing there along with Athena. I stepped back. 

"Don't. Please." I whisper. 

"(Y/n)... Put the glass down." Bobby says. He steps towards me and I screamed. They stopped. 

"Don't touch her, everyone take a step back." Buck says. 

"Buck, she's holding glass, she's bleeding." Hen says. 

"Just, do what I said." They looked at Bobby and he nodded his head, they stepped back. I heard them questioning Bobby and Buck.

"(Y/n/n). It's me, it's your Evan, I need you to tell me five things you can see okay?" He asks. 

"Uh-" I look around the room focusing on things. "Couch, chair, lamp, pictures, you." 

"Good. Four things you can touch." He says. I put my hand on the couch in front of me. 

"Couch-" I put my hand on the table behind the couch. "Table-" I touch the picture of Buck and I on the table. "Picture of us, and the glass in my hand." I say. 

"Alright, you're doing great (y/n/n), now three things you can hear, can you do that for me?" Buck asks. I nod my head, I started to feel a bit calmer, my breathing wasn't coming as rapid. 

"I can hear your voice, the sirens outside, and I can hear something dripping on the floor, I think it's the blood from my hand." I say. 

"Good, and yes it is the blood, we're almost done. You're doing great." He says. 

"Evan?" I whisper. 

"Yes?" He asks. 

"I'm scared." I say, tears start to come again. 

"I know, now two things you can smell." He says. 

"The roses, and the lavender bush outside." I say. 

"Great, now one thing you can taste, or a positive thing about yourself." He says. 

"I taste the gum I chewed earlier, and a positive thing about myself is I never give up." I didn't realize during the exercise he had moved closer to me, I felt someone else's hand on the glass, I looked at my hand than the person in front of me, it was Buck. I let go off the glass and fell into his arms, he held me as I sobbed. 

"I got you baby. I got you." He says holding me. He brings me over to Hen. I had some cuts in my hand, some cuts on my feet, and a huge gash on my arm, from me slicing my arm when I heard the sirens. They took me to the hospital to get stitches, while I was sitting there. I had gotten evaluated by the psychiatrist while I was there. They deemed for my safety I needed to be checked into a mental hospital. But since I wasn't brought it on suicidal thoughts, they couldn't force me to stay. I left the room and walked to where Athena was waiting for me, since the others had to get back to work. She walked me to the car and drove me to my apartment, I looked at the mess. 

"I know they gave you a mental evaluation, how did it go?" 

"They deemed for my safety I should be checked into a mental hospital... Athena, what if I go and Buck just moves on? Like he normally does." 

"I saw how he helped you earlier, that doesn't look like a guy that wants to give up on what you two have." 

"He's done it before, wouldn't surprise me if he did it again." I say. Athena gives me a hug before she is called off on a call. I looked at the mess in my apartment. I heard a knock at my door I open it and standing there is Eddie. 

"Eddie? What are you doing here?" I ask. 

"Came to help you clean up, I got off early today. Buck picked up another shift or he said-" 

"I don't want him here." 

"But earlier..." Eddie says. 

"He remembered the tricks I taught him in high school, my whole life I've had panic attacks. He simply remembered a skill to help him with his job." I let Eddie in and I walked over to my closet pulling out a broom and dust pan, thank god my floor was hardwood. I started to sweep up the glass. 

"What happened?" Eddie asks. 

"What?" I look at him. 

"What happened to cause this panic attack?" Eddie asks. 

"I'm not even sure, I was thinking of mine and Buck's past, I was looking at photos of us in high school his smile seemed to get wider and bigger... But mine seemed to just... get smaller. Less sincere. I guess I finally realized... The love I thought Buck and I had, hurt me more than I wanted to realize." 

"I'm so sorry..." Eddie says. 

"He avoided me the first few days I was here, he only realized he still loved me when I almost died, we fought in between the earth quake and the tsunami, he only realizes he cares when I'm dying." I say. 

"I shouldn't say this, because of everything you've been going through lately, but... I like you, not just as friends, but more. You make me feel differently than even my late wife." He says. I wasn't looking at him. I looked at him. 

"Eddie... Your Buck's best friend, I can't hurt him like that." 

"Look at what he's done to you though. Hen was telling me about this girl named Abby, she said she changed his life. What if he is still in love with her? Shouldn't you have the chance to move on." 

"Eddie..." I whisper. His phone goes off and it's a call from Chris, he answers and he says he will be there. 

"I'm sorry Chris got hurt at school, I got to go." He says putting his phone into his back pocket. 

"Send Chris my love, tell him I hope he's okay." Eddie gives me a quick hug before leaving. 

I was standing there watching him leave. Maybe he's right, maybe I should move on. What if Buck is still in love with Abby? I finished cleaning up the glass and picking the bookshelf back up, and putting the books back on it. I cleaned up the blood. I sat down on the couch looking at a picture of Eddie, Chris, and I. It was shortly after the earthquake. We had gone to the park. I was on Eddie's back because my leg was still hurt from the fall at the earthquake, and I was tired. So Eddie was carrying me. Chris was in front of him. We all had huge smiles, I compared the smile in that picture to the ones of Buck and I. My smile seemed more sincere. Maybe I am more happy with Eddie and Chris.