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#bellLetsTalk - my story (NOT A CHAPTER)

So I wasn't really going to write anything today as I'm not really okay right now. But then I saw this movement on twitter thats called #BellLetsTalk which is a movement that founds money to mental disordered research. And I saw people sharing their stories and telling what they're struggling with so I trough. Why don't I do the same?

Cause the thing is other than my bad immune system, asthma and migraine I don't have a physical condition thats keeping me at home. I have several mental conditions that I'm going to mention right now. I was diagnosed with Aspergers years ago but never really trough much of it. Then only three weeks ago (or so) we sat more diagnoses as its required so me, my family and my therapist knows where to work from. So we sat «School refusal and school-based interventions» (which isn't an own diagnose in itself but we confirmed it.)We also sat social anxiety, general anxiety, panic decease and ODC. Im also a lot angrier than the average person but its practically impossible to see on me. Last spring they also said I was depressed but it looks like I've come out of it.

These are things I struggle with on a daily basis. All my energy goes into keeping myself from having a panic attack as it really takes a toll on you. For me in particular having an panic attack is terrifying. My whole body hurts, I cant breath, I shake uncontrollably and so on and so on. When I'm having a big one it feels like I'm going to die. So its not something to be taken lightly thats for sure.

So when people hear that I'm home because of mental condition they get confused, some think its funny but some even get mad. Cause they cant see a scar or a broken bone. I don't have cancer or a heart condition. No I have a mental condition which btw can be just as complex and even dangerous.

Now those diagnoses must come from somewhere right? They do. Some is just in my genes because of my family history but regardless it has to be triggered somehow. Well from 5-7th grade I was bullied and manipulated by teachers and other atoureties at the school I went to. (This is where I think the School refusal and school-based interventions comes from probably). I was so scared of this teacher that it triggered and started my panic attacks (panic decease)(maybe but that is just my current theory from the things I know to date). I can remember that I started to cry the first time I had a convo with this lady. My body also made other reactions which I didn't understand at the time. My classmates started to stare at me and some laughed even. What did the teacher do you ask? She started to yell at me. How I needed to grow up and stop with the crying. But I couldn't do that, because from that moment I had lost control.

After that because I was so scared with those people I think thats where the other things start coming from. Like my perfectionism peeked into OCD and general anxiety (many other things affected it as well btw) And my fear for these people made me fear people in general (social anxiety) (many other things affected it as well btw). Also this whole situation left me with so much trauma that event to this day, three years later I tear up talking about it. Only 4weeks ago was the first time I was able to talk about it to my therapist.

My current state keeps me at home practically isolated from everything. The only time I step outside the door is once a week when I go see my therapist. But even going out just that one time a week scares me so much and trigger a small panic attack. I don't talk to my friends at all because of my social anxiety as even talking with someone on the Facebook chat is impossible for me. Literately if I'm going to say anything to anyone my body reacts in awful ways and I run everything by my mother as tears flow down my face. Thats how horrible it gets for me.

There Is a lot more to my story that I'm not going to share right now but I am getting help which is helping me get better. Its a really slow process that is going to take years and even then its something I haft to live with my whole life.

So any kind of mental condition is not an adjective to be thrown around. Its something serious and something people are struggling with every single day. Its a constant battle that I personally fight every second of the day. And when people have the nerve to say its our fault its literately like blaming someone for having cancer.

Just note that this explanation of my situation that I don't know if its 100% accurate. The thing is that its really stressful and hard to try explain whats going on in my head when I don't even understand it myself. Now that I've grown older a lot of stuff from my past keep on coming into my head like flashbacks. Its all still a learning experience for myself as well.

There is so much more I could say but I'm going to cut it short here. Its a lot more too it that what people know and what they can understand.

Peoepe might see this post as unnecessary or weird but I don't care. Its to put it out into the open that if you have a mental condition you're not alone. You're not alone in this. And if any of you have any questions feel free to DM me f you don't want to ask or say it in the comments.

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Sorry if it's crappy writen and if some parts don't make sense. The thing is that i'm still wrapping my mind around the whole thing. But i decided to keep it short and simple

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