deceived.// A$AP Rocky

eight.

I tried to stop myself from crying, so he wouldn't notice I was awake. I felt the water welling up in my eyes, and slowly, a tear made its way down my cheek. 

"You're awake", his voice broke the silence. 

I opened my eyes. The moonlight shone on his face, leaving it shimmering silvery. "Yeah, I was just...", I said, not knowing what I was actually doing. "Crying yourself to sleep?", he asked. "I guess", I sighed and sat up a little.

It had started to rain, the big raindrops were pattering against the windowsill, and I could hear car noise. "Rakim?", I said after a while."Can I call my brother?", I asked. He frowned. "Why the fuck would I let you do that?" I sighed. "Look, Rakim, I know it sounds crazy, but I need to talk to him. I can't live with the thought of him worrying about me, I just want him to know I'm not dead...yet. Please, I just need a little time and a phone", I begged. He looked at me for a long time before he took out his phone, unlocked it, and gave it to me.

I took it slowly. "You've got two minutes'', he said. "Two minutes?!" "Exactly, take it or leave it." I sighed and slowly dialed my brother's number. One ring. Two rings. Three. I clenched onto the phone. After the fourth one, he picked up. "Hello?", he asked, sounding tired. "Zack?", I asked. "Zara! Where the fuck are you? Are you okay? I've been looking everywhere!", he immediately raised his voice. "Zack, I'm alright. But I won't be back anytime soon", I said and swallowed. "Why? What happened?", he asked. "It's a lot to explain, I only have two minutes'', I cried. "Zara, okay, calm down. Is someone else listening right now?", he asked. I looked up to Rakim, who just slightly nodded. "Yeah", I whispered. I heard Zack curse on the other end. "Can you tell me who it is?", he asked. Rakim shook his head. "No, I can't", I said. "Zack, I- please just help me calm down like you always used to", I said under tears. "Okay, Zara. See, I'm here. I'll help you to get back to me. I'll tell you a story, aight?", he asked. "Yeah", I whispered. "Okay. Zara, do you remember when we were little, and we used to go to the yellow house, where that kind old lady lives, what did we use to call her?", he asked. "Big Mama'', I smiled. "Yeah, right! And always, she would give us food. Rice and Beans and Vegetables, and she made the best pancakes ever. There was always a place in her heart for every one of us, you, me, and the children that used to come here too, that we used to play with", he said in a calming voice. I felt how my heart stopped beating so fast, but the tears kept falling. "We should visit her again", I said, trying to sound normal. "Yeah, we really should. Zara, I know you're crying. It's alright, just let it out", he comforted me. I still didn't want to cry and bit my lip. "Thank you, Zack." "It's okay." I felt Rakim tap my arm lightly. "Zack, I-I have to go", I mumbled. I heard him sigh. "Okay, keep your head up, alright?", he said. "Yeah", I whispered and hung up.

I shakily gave Rakim his phone back. "Thank you", I mumbled. He just nodded and put his phone away. "Why did you say you won't be back anytime soon?", Rakim asked. 

I sighed. "Dan is at our house almost 24/7. Plus, if Zack finds out I was staying with you voluntarily, it's over. The worst thing I can do right now is going back home, but I can't stay here either", I said. "Who told you that?" I looked at him surprisedly. What was that supposed to mean? "I can stay?", I asked as I felt new hope building up inside of me. 

He shrugged. "I mean, as long as you really need it I won't throw you out again, cause I know the situation you're in. Things would just be easier if you weren't Zack's sister, you know", he said, but I interrupted by hugging him. I didn't think about it, I just did due to how overwhelmed I was by the fact he would actually let me stay. 

"Thank you so much", I mumbled into his shoulder as I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back after a few seconds. "I'm glad I can help I guess", he said. I didn't want to let go, the warm feeling made me feel a little less alone, it was so genuine and sweet. His arms were the only place I wanted to be at the moment. "Are you okay?", he asked quietly. I don't know what it was, but that was the moment I broke down. That was the moment the wall I had built was torn. I tried to stay silent, but I started shaking and gave up. "I just can't anymore", I sobbed. Rakim just slowly stroked my back. "What's wrong?", he asked with a soothing voice. "I just wanna hide, Rakim. I just wanna fucking hide. I don't wanna live like that anymore. My mom is drinking and shit, my dad is barely around. And Zack, I wanna spend more time with him but he can't because of all the gang shit he's got going on", I said, interrupted by sobs. "And I just...I feel so bad about myself. I hate the way I look, the way I am, I just...I feel so low about myself. I'm so weak, look, even right now, all I can do is cry. I don't know why I'm telling you this. You'll probably use it all against me, and I got myself into some shit again", I sobbed.

But what I noticed was that he listened, he actually listened to me. "I...just...", I shook my head as my voice cracked. "I know that feeling, believe me", he said after a while. I pulled away to look at him, wiped my tears with the sleeve of Dom's hoodie. 

"Calm down, Zara. Focus on your heartbeat. It's all that matters for now. Just your heartbeat." 

I felt it pump blood through my veins wildly, but as Rakim was talking, the sound of his voice calmed me down. "But let me tell you something." I sniffed. "Y-Yeah?" "You're beautiful, like for real. Why are you questioning yourself like that? I don't see a single thing about you that's ugly", he said. I opened my mouth and shut it. I've been called that before, but never by a 'stranger', only my friends and my mom, and that doesn't count. "You don't mean that'', I mumbled and avoided his gaze. He took my hands, making me look at him. 

"Why would I lie? You're beautiful. I don't know what or who made you believe the opposite. Can you just fucking believe me?", he said. I liked the way he spoke, not too loud but with a certain rhythm. His fingers were warm. I felt my eyes getting watery again, and a feeling of pure happiness spread inside of my stomach. "Thank you", I replied in a low tone. He just nodded. We sat in comfortable silence for a while. "I'm tired, Rakim. I think I'm gonna go to sleep", I broke the silence. He nodded and smiled slightly. 

"I'm gonna see you tomorrow, sleep well", he answered and I gave him another hug. "Seems like you enjoy my hugs'', he grinned. I smiled. "Yeah, I do", I said, making him laugh. "Not even denying it." "There's nothing to deny, you're a good hugger." He chuckled again. "You're weird." "Same for you. Good night, Rakim." "Sweet dreams, Zara."

He closed the door, and I stared at the spot where he had disappeared. The room was so empty and quiet, now that he was gone. The curtains were smoothly blowing in the wind, and I could still hear the rain outside. I pulled the blanket over me again and closed my eyes, falling into a deep slumber.

When I woke up, I found myself laying in a small room, but it wasn't a normal room. Something felt off, things started to get clearer when I looked up though. I saw the walls moving. It took me a second to realize that those weren't normal walls, they showed short sequences of my life, moments that were stuck in my mind, memories. My eyes hurt from all the jumbled colors. The floor started to move, too. I saw how I ran from the fire a few days ago, how Dan pressed me against the wall, how I saved Ferg from my brother. I stumbled backward. Everything was adding up to a loud roar inside my head. I couldn't think clearly, my head felt like it was about to explode. "Stop!", I screamed with everything in me, trying to shut the voices down. It was dead silent. "You're beautiful, like for real", I saw Rakim again, smiling. I felt a tear making its way down my cheek. "I'm sorry, but you wouldn't understand", I heard my mother's exhausted voice when I had caught her drinking again, although she had said she had been sober. I saw myself, too. I was so little, I didn't even know what exactly mom was doing-I just knew it wasn't good for her, and I knew it wasn't good for me either. I approached the wall, slowly extended my arm, and tried to touch it, but all I could feel was the cold air. My glance was stuck on the younger me, who was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a big T-shirt my brother had left me, seeming so small and lost. This is what I looked like back then? But this was still me, I just looked different. I was still just that little girl, with a little more knowledge and experience. As my vision blurred, the sequences changed again. My brother and I, playing in the garden of the yellow house. Rakim and him high fiving, Nast in the background laughing. While I watched, I remembered they were actually getting along well when we were little. They then lost contact for a while, and nobody knows why they started hating each other in middle school. But I missed the good old days, when we were just helping each other with the shit we had to deal with, when we were just living our lives and I didn't overthink everything.

I exhaled shakily as I took in the cold air surrounding me.

I just wished I could go back in time and make things right.

//

A longer chapter today! A lot of talking, a lot of Rakim, some information about Zara's background. Rakim is cute af in that one and y'all can't deny it. xD 

I hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is welcome, as always. :)