Custom Made For You

Chapter 35- Undo! Undo!

I felt every hair of my body stand, goose bumps covered every inch of my skin. My heartbeat quickened, thumping so loudly, I think he heard it. I was cold, even though I was in his warm embrace. His gentle touch made me feel guiltier for keeping so many secrets, I really wanted to tell him, but I wasn't ready. I just wasn't. Quietly, he asked, "How many more things do I have to discover? You amaze me, every time, without fail, you know that?"

I buried my face into his chest. I wanted to just pour my heart out to him, but I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to taint him. "What do you mean? I'm Tolmer, I always have been," I lied, hoping that he would buy it.

I heard him swallow before he said, "Are you sure? Are you really going to just say that you didn't just squish my face and tell me that you were some person named Cielo? You were literally squishing the hell out of my face. There's no way it's all a lie. I carried you, while you squished my face."

"I have no idea what you are talking about. You were drunk, how can you be so certain?" I continued being stubborn. I knew I was pushing him.

"What? Do our interactions mean so little to you? Is that it?" His voice got louder. An explosion of guilt exploded in my chest, tightening it until it hurt.

I turned away from him, making up an excuse, "Sorry, I'm tired."

It came out colder than I had anticipated. I bit my lip, as I felt his warmth disappear and the dip on his side of the bed slowly returning to its original state. I heard him walk towards the door. He opened the door, I wanted to spring up and hug him, beg him to stay, to be by my side, but I knew that was selfish of me. Before he exited the room, I could feel his sad gaze, "You're really cruel sometimes, you know that? I'll leave when morning comes. Sorry to interrupt you. Hope you sleep well."

He closed the door, leaving me alone with his echoing words. I curled up into a ball, making myself small. The whispering in my head started to chatter again, attacking me constantly with insults, insults I knew that were true.

The room was quiet but my head was not. I wanted to feel nothing and go back to sleep, yet the noises and nightmare kept me up. It was a mess, I was a mess. I knew if I had let him go sooner, things wouldn't be this messy. I hated the fact that I was the one who caused this chaos. I hated myself for it, I hurt another person, yet again, for my sake.

I felt the coldness, although I had a blanket covering me. I shouldn't have existed, perhaps then, my brother would have gone to a good college, have a good life. I was the one who dragged him down, I was the reason why he was in jail.

I caused pain for Airi. Life had already burdened her enough, and there I was, still adding to her heavy load. I was a bad friend. She would have been better off without me, it wouldn't make a difference to her. She didn't need me, I was just someone who frequently let her down.

I caused pain for Luzien, he could have been with someone less broken and much more capable, maybe a beautiful rich girl, or guy. And, there he was, in my living room, upset and miserable.

Time passed with my increasingly negative thoughts. My alarm rang, pulling me back into the harsh reality of Luzien leaving. I carefully crept out of bed, hoping that when I open the door, he would still be there.

Alas, he kept his word. Not a trace of him was found in the apartment. I swung the front door open, none of him could be seen in the corridor. I rushed out, not bothering to put on my shoes, only to see the painful sight of him leaving.

My legs gave out and I slid down, tears falling, staining the floor as I squatted down fully.

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I felt incredibly tired with a cup of coffee in my left hand as I stepped into my busy office. My head hurt and my eyes were red and puffy from all the crying in the shower. I walked to my desk, noticing the absence of Airi. However, her things were on the table so I assumed that she was already there.

I needed to apologize for leaving without warning. I just had to.

I waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. She still hadn't turned up at 11.30 a.m. I asked around, concerned as to where she was. Everyone told me that no one had seen her since she left her things.

I tried calling her, multiple times, yet all that I had heard was the disappointing message of her voicemail.

At lunch, I looked around for her nearby. No signs of her at all. I had no leads, nothing. I went back to the office, hungry and lifeless.

Thirty minutes before work ended, I got a call from Vastel. His voice sounded like chalk on a board. He greeted, "Hey, emergency."

"Yes?" I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"Airi is in my hospital right now."