Custom Made For You

Chapter 66- Car Rides And Feelings

  "Jesus Christ, how much stress did the conversation give her?" Vastel rubbed his chin lightly. No one in the room made a sound. All four of us surrounded her medical bed as we went into discussion about her awfully weaken state.

All eyes fell on me.

"Her mother isn't the best person, alright? I'm not in the place to tell you the details, it's her private problems after all," I shrugged, feeling like a deflated ball. An unconscious Airi in the hospital sent me into nothing but pure distress.

"Hey, she'd do fine. The doctor said she's just needs some rest. It's not your fault that she didn't eat her meds," Luzien wrapped his arms around me, as if he had sensed my agony, rubbing my shoulder in a comforting way.

Ceb stood in the corner, arms crossed, leaning on the wall, saying nothing, a glint of malevolent flashed pass his eyes. Vastel noticed something, I think, he went over to him and tapped him on the arm. He whispered something into my brother's ear, and Ceb's expression changed faster than you could flip a page.

Disappointment written all over Ceb's face, making it darker than the black faded denim jacket he was wearing, the corners of his mouth formed a slight pout. Clearly, Vastel's words made Ceb incredibly disheartened.

"We should go, Tol. Tomorrow's Monday, you'd have to get up early," Luzien patted me, signalling me that it was time to go.

Vastel checked his phone. "Yeah, you should, visitor's time is almost over."

I nodded, glancing Airi one last time before being told that I could still see her the next day. Her pale face, her seemingly cold hand on connected to the IV bag on top of her thin blanket, her closed eyes, triggered the guilt to rush to my head.

The feeling washed over me as I walked out of the hospital with Luzien, it was overwhelming and I was drowning in it, unable to snap out of it.

"You alright?" Luzien was suddenly in front of me, so was the fastened seatbelt.

"Yeah," I croaked. He stroked my face gently, with the back of his hand a little.

He didn't say a word and started the engine. Somewhere in my heart, I knew I wasn't ready for the entire "talking about my emotions" thing. I just couldn't bear to let the feelings escape from where I was trapping them in my heart, it felt obnoxious. It just didn't sit right with me.

I looked out of the window, my brain already loud enough to drown out the silence and the radio slowly became nothing but white noise to me. The city's neon lights were oddly tranquil, it was something I hadn't realised before. My brain started to disconnect me from reality. Flashes of what ifs passed my mind's eye once again. I suddenly wondered what would have happened if my brother had not killed my parents himself: What would have happened to me? Would Ceb still be with me? Would I have not lost my memories?

It had occurred to me that I was uncomfortably calm when he had told me he had killed them. It seemed to have just flown pass my head. I just accepted it so easily, it seemed surreal. Yet, I did not know what to feel. I couldn't possibly imagine being sympathetic towards them, it felt weird. I didn't feel particularly sad or happy or angry, it was just nothing. Perhaps, this was the feeling of acceptance, where I just absorb the information and hoped to start anew with my brother. Or, this could just be the feeling of numbness towards the situation. All I had felt was how unfair it was for him to have to take things into his own hands, I was shaken to the core when I pictured what kind of torture his mind must have had given him. As we can see, what had happened back then did a number to my brain.

I closed my eyes, tired from all the thinking, my brain only wanted one thing ─ sleep. It didn't take long before I had completely forgotten that I was in the car with Luzien.

'The brain and sorting out how you feel can wait', my heart ushered me to rest.