Custom Made For You

Chapter 47- I Want All Of Him

  "So... You're here," I stated the obvious. Luzien was just standing by the door, looking down unmoving. The atmosphere was just an awkward brick of wall between us.

"C-come in, I guess," I figured that since he was already there, I might as well let him in, I couldn't let him just stand outside in the cold for a second longer. He stepped in slowly, as if he was scared of me.

"Um, do you want water?" I tried making small conversation, hoping to make everything more comfortable.

He sat down at Airi's dining table, not making a sound. He just kept looking down, he probably didn't really want to come.

I handed him a glass of water, "You know, if you didn't want to come it's fine, right? I can always lie to Vastel that you came and all that jazz."

Abruptly, he stood up, startling me, making me nearly dropping the glass of water. "N-no, it's not like that," he cried. "I just don't know if you want to see me. I don't know the full situation, but I do know that it's dangerous. I just didn't want to bug you. I'll help you if you need me. I am aware that if I had interrupted you, I would probably hold you back."

At that moment, my heart shattered into pieces, not because he had said anything wrong. What he said was unexpectedly non-judgemental, it made me realize that it was a huge mistake for pushing him away.

'Then you think it's alright to tell him what had happened?' my long silenced heart finally muttered.

I set the water down in front of him, quickly walking towards Airi's workplace, not wanting him to possibly read me. "I'm going to get some paper and stationary, you can do your work too, since you are staying. I have a new project that I was asked to work on."

We both started working on our unfinished tasks at Airi's table, alone. 

●◦●◦●◦

"You know, this design is actually pretty good. But maybe you can change it to a darker tone?" his voice coming from behind made me jump.

I looked up at the standing Luzien, "You really don't know what personal space is, huh?"

A look of self-consciousness surfaced as he tried to move back. However, I instinctively grabbed both his arms, not wanting him to be apart from me for another second.

Perhaps it was because it was already extremely late into the night, and I had already been working for long hours, the stress of my brother to add on to this. What I had done was incredibly out of characters, not to mention inexcusable.

"Tolmer, c'mon, I'm sorry, alright? Can you please-"

I reached up to grab him by his yoke, yanking him down, closing the spaces between our faces.

His face puffed red, "Tolmer, what are you doing?"

"Shhh," I hushed him. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't high, I would probably regret this later, but who cares.

I whispered to him quietly, "Hey, what if we kissed again?"

He smelled oddly of mint and rose.

"Don't joke around, Tolmer. I'm trying my best to hold back, you know. You said you wanted time, I don't want to rush you," his voice lowered to a volume only audible to me.

"I want you to do it again. What if I don't want you to hold back?" I challenged.

My brain went into full panic mode, begging me to stop. Not this time. This time, my heart was in charge, and I want him to be with me.

He furrowed his eyebrows, "Tolmer, please, not like this. You would really-"

I couldn't listen to him any longer, I pushed lips up, pressing our lips together.

He kissed back aggressively, with so much passion, it burned. My heart fluttered.

I forgot how to breathe, and eventually, I ran out of breath. Yet, he kept going, pushing his tongue into my mouth, suffocating me even more.

I was gasping for air hungrily like an idiot after we pulled away. My heart beat at a speed which I believe was humanly impossible, I had no idea if it was because of I ran out of oxygen or if I was just really nervous. For sure, I couldn't look him in the eyes now.

"I'm gonna go for a walk," he informed, before stepping out from the room. I made a sound of acknowledgement, knowing that I, too, needed time to process what I had just done.

I slammed my face into my hands on the table. My heart still not showing signs of calming down. I knew I love him, I love him so much it felt absurd.