Loving the Campus Monster

Chapter 3 (A peek)

Laura

"So, let me get this straight." I say, watching as Holly takes a big bite of triple chocolate chunck ice cream from her bowl. "Within a span of a few hours, you managed to make a total of six friends and get a date tonight?" I ask as I sit across from her on my bed.

 I'm feeling better than I was a few hours ago when I first got back from the store. Thankfully I had the place to myself, so no one was here to witness my fight to stave off the panic attack that was trying to consume me. At least it wasn't as bad as it used to be, that's one consultation. Otherwise, I would have been hyper ventilating on the floor back at the store.

The attacks don't happen as often as they used to, but when they do, I've learned there's only two things that helped me to cope afterwards. One, doing my breathing exercises and two.... eating a bunch of chips and sweets, Go-girt especially. Junk food became a comfort that I went to, to help me to forget my problems and help me to feel better. Well..... not completely better but a little bit, at least. An unhealthy habit I know, but it became one that I went to helped me to cope with my problems. 

I know I do it to try and fill a void in me. It always gave me false sense of happiness.... even if it turned into shame afterward if I ate too much. 

But luckily, I have a fast metabolism.

I just wish that I could push all these dark memories away for good, but the best I can do is shove them down deep in a pit of oblivion where they sometimes crawled out of.... like they tried to do today.

I remembered the first few days after that night three years ago, how the mere sight of a goth person used to set off a panic attack in me. Looking at one of them always brought back memories of that night and then the irrational fear would set in, suffocating me, making me feel like I was underneath him again. Being pinned to the ground, not able to move, not able to speak, not able to breathe. It was horrible. For two years I walked around afraid to run into a goth person. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that any one of those people could be one of them, or more specifically, him. But slowly over time I learned to get better at being around them. I'm still not cured all the way. I still get uncomfortable whenever one gets too close to me.

 But that's not the only fear I'm working through still. 

I can't take having anyone hold me down or restraining me. Any contact, with even a hint of being sexual, especially if mixed with any kind of aggression, could trigger a panic attack in me.

No surprise that none of my boyfriends stayed for long. In fact, the longest relationship I had with a boy was two months, but he didn't seem to care enough to be bothered by my issues.

After I calmed down from my almost melt down, I went hunting for some candy and ice cream before going to my room, wishing I could stuff my fears and memories down as easily I could this junk food.

Holly arrived back an hour later. When she saw what I was eating, she imminently decides to join me. That's how we ended up in my room now, an hour later, with us sitting across from each other, with candy and ice cream littering the bed as we pig out together.

Holly shrugs, bringing me back to what we were talking about. She suddenly winced and grabs her head. "Ah! Damn, brain freeze." She hisses in pain.

I shake my head at her and smile. "You really need to learn to eat your food instead of inhaling it." I say and take a bite of my snickers bar.

"Hmp. Your one to talk. Do you know how many Go-girts I have seen you eat in one day?"

"Thats different. Go-girt is not Ice cream." I defend.