Loving the Campus Monster

Chapter 18 (Stop living in fear)

Laura

Journal Entree #25

I had another nightmare again tonight. It's frustrating, just when I think I'm getting over my issues and starting to get better, the dreams come back to torment me and remind me that I'm not. I hate how they always seemed to come whenever I'm alone and vulnerable with no one else there to help beat the darkness back. I keep telling myself that it will pass but... does it really ever? For a while now I have been living in fear from my nightmares, always scared to go to bed, to close my eyes for fear of them coming back. I try not to sleep most nights just to stop them from coming back, but no matter how hard I try... it doesn't stop them from haunting me almost every night. For three years I have been waging a battle within myself that I have still not been able to win, and after so long of fighting it I'm... tired. I am so tired of fighting it. I just want to enjoy life again, but my fears won't let me, they keep spilling over into my waking life and making things harder for me. I can't even make a simple decision on my own, no matter how small because of them. They make me question all the choices I make in life.

Two years after I stopped going to the "therapist" my parents made me go see, I tried doing it on my own, but I have not made any progress. I don't know what else to do and I don't know if anyone can really help me anymore too. All I know is that I can't do this on my own anymore, it's too hard. I'm tired of living in fear of everyone and everything. I'm tired of flinching at every goth person I see. I'm tired of being afraid of crowded places. I'm tired of fearing the night. I am just so... tired... of all of it. I can't do this on my own anymore, I need help. 

Maybe.... the first step in getting that help is by taking someone's advice and finding someone to talk to again. Someone who will actually listen to me this time and give me the help I so desperately need.

I stop writing as I stand in the kitchen in my and Holly's apartment a few days later. It's three o'clock in the morning, the precise time I always wake up from these nightmares I almost always have every night. I hold Ross's hoodie I'm wearing up to my nose to smell his familiar scent, trying to pretend he is here holding me as I look down at the journal on the counter. I am so glad that Ross gave his hoodie back to me before he dropped me off the next morning after our fight. I am not sure why he wants me wearing it, but I wasn't going to question it. I enjoy wearing it as much as he likes seeing me in it. Since that night things have been going well between us. He drives me to and from class everyday now just like he promised. He's also been making more of an effort to spend more time with me again after classes, just like we used to do. I don't mind where we go to spend time at, the park, the bakery, a restaurant, his place, mine, as long as I am with him, I don't really care where we're at as long as we're together.

The only thing that really bothers me still is that it seems like Ross is trying to avoid being around his friends whenever he's with me. I want to think it's because of that fight he had with Jared, but I don't feel like that's the real reason why, at least not all of it. So many times, I wanted to ask him about it, but I always chicken out at last second. Things have just been going so well between us that I just don't want to ruin it by bringing up something that might start another fight between us.

Over the last couple of days, he's been a bit more talkative and open. He still has yet to tell me the full story of what he's done in his past, but at least he actually seems to be happy. The darkness that always surrounded him was slowly fading, letting him enjoy life again. It seems like he found purpose in his life again and I hate to see that change.

Seeing him smile and laugh has become the highlight of my day, and I would do anything to keep him smiling.

Over the past few months of knowing him, I 've seen Ross start to slowly change from a cold, temperamental asshole, to someone who is caring, thoughtful and attentive. It's like he's actually striving to be a better man... for me.