Loving the Campus Monster

Chapter 27 (No Chance Of Redemption)

Ross

She was gone.

M love. My light. My life. Gone.

And I have no one to blame for it but myself. Whatever true happiness I ever had in my life was with her and because of her. I cowardly stole every little bit of it, hiding and hoping that I could shield her and myself from my past, possibly forever. That's why I wanted us to move out here. I wanted us further away from everyone and everything that had to do with my past, and so there would be less likely a chance of Laura running into someone-like Jared or one of the guys-that would tell her the truth about me.

But that didn't happen.

I want to blame Jared for all of this and most of it was his fault. He orchestra the whole fucking thing by somehow finding out where Laura and I lived and sending those guys out here to tell Laura everything. I want to beat him to a bloody pulp for what he did, but deep down I knew I couldn't keep this secret hidden forever. The past always has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass.

Just like it did for me. And now....I have nothing again.

I squeeze my eyes shut as the desperate longing for Laura rips a cry from me as I listened to the car drive farther and farther away from me, knowing that this time, she was leaving, and she may never come back to me.

The thought that this time may be all I would ever see of her fills me with a chilling fear. Then the old rage slams into me, and I let it reign, surrendering my control to the familiar anger because she was no longer here to sooth it. Without her what was the point in fighting it?

Without her, there was no longer a point to anything. She had given me purpose back into my pitiful life, but now I had none.

"Laura!" A pain cry tears through my insides, and I punch the wall with my fists, making the drywall crumble to the floor. The pain comes as a relief from the agony of loss stabbing through me. Physical pain is so much easier to handle. The internal one was unbearable.

I hit the wall again with renew force. The pain travels up my hand and through my body, but my soul demands more.

More.

My body can take it. It's my heart that can't. It's torn and shredded into a million little pieces. Destroyed yet again.

My own scorching need for destruction burns through me. With another yell I get to my feet and look around, looking for something, anything to destroy. Everything inside the house is filled with her spirit, her touch, her warmth. But she isn't here anymore to give it life, just like she isn't here to give me life anymore.

A lamp on the side table falls into my line of sight, and I send it flying across the room. It shatters and breaks, just like my heart has. Next, I flip over the coffee table and its loud bang against the floor makes me pause.

She isn't here.

The house remains. The furniture, her things upstairs are still here, but she was gone. And taking my madness out on the lifeless objects would not ease the excruciating emptiness she left behind.

I lean my back against one of the support posts and slide to the floor, suddenly drained of energy, of everything. She was not coming back. Because I hurt her. Again. My actions three, no, now four years ago, define me in her eyes and always will, stripping me of any chance of redemption. I dared to believe I could make her happy, that I could help her, rescue her even. But I realize now that I was never meant to be her Knight, like she dubbed me in the past. In her life I was always doomed to remain the dragon to be slayed.

The monster. And the monster never gets the princess.

Even in my own story, I turned out to be not the hero but the villain. Someone who hurts people, not someone who protects or cares for their loved ones. And the more I loved, the stronger I wanted to protect, but the more pain I ended up inflicting.

I squeeze my eyes shut as the tears fall and I bury my face in my hands as the grief and pain takes over, engulfing me in the familiar feeling of loss.

Why does it always seem like whenever I'm trying to get my life together, I lose somebody I care for? First Ricky, then my mother, now..... Laura. 

I burry my fingers through my hair and then dig them hard into my scalp, needing to feel the pain but barely feeling it. All I can feel is the unboreable feeling of pain and loss I know all too well. 

The villain never gets the girl at the end, and I don't think I even deserve to get a chance of redemption for what I've done.