Impervious Treasure (Azcona Cousins #2)

07

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Chapter 07

People would always say in positive quotes: disregard unwanted and ill feelings because those will only bring you repined thoughts.

Totoo naman.

A human shouldn't torture himself for accommodating tiresome deliberations that would only fall into a disaster or worse— lose his sanity and confidence.

But how can a person do that? It's a tough battle between the mind and himself. It's also hard to be prevented. Bigla ka na lamang nag-iisip ng hindi mo namamalayan. Malalaman mo na lang na naiiyak ka o nahihirapang huminga.

Mahirap mawala ang sarili at mahirap ibalik ang dating sarili.

I was too occupied while reading the news that I've read. A depressed individual committed suicide early in the morning. 'Yon agad ang bumungad sa'kin nang pumunta ako sa living room para makinig ng bagong mga balita. Pinatay ko kaagad ang TV dahil ayaw ko nang malaman pa ang iba pang naging sanhi noon. Pumasok agad ako sa eskwelahan na wala sa sarili. Tulala ako at nanginginig.

Hindi matanggal sa isipan ko ang balita.

As much as possible, I want to stay away from that kind of news. I don't want to entertain myself or talk about mental health issues with Olive. It's a trigger for me.

The past years I know to myself that I am constantly experiencing anxiety attacks. I couldn't remember when it developed. I just realized it when I had myself checked... secretly. I don't want my family to know about my current situation because I believe that I'll overcome my anxiety.

I just hope that my recovery will come soon.

Nahihirapan akong huminga katulad ngayon. We're tasked to do an impromptu public speaking. Hindi ko alam kung bakit may ganitong pakulo pero ang sabi ay required 'yon at kasama sa work immersion grade namin. Bukod sa hindi ako makahinga nang maayos, hindi rin ako prepared para sa sasabihin ko.

"Alphabetical order ang pagkakasunod-sunod ng speakers," rinig kong paalala ng presidente ng aming klase.

This one's my weakness especially that my anxiety disorder has been activated. Kung hindi ko siguro napanood ang balita ay 'di ako baluktot na mag-isip ngayon. I am stealthily hyperventilating. Ang sabi ng doctor noon ay kailangan ko lamang ikalma ang sarili pero ang hirap gawin.

My hands are sweating pretty cold. 

"Are you alright, Clair? Ang putla mo," pansin ni Olive.

"I... I just need to relax," I said exhaling so much breath. Iniisip ko ang dapat ma sasabihin para mamaya. Kasama ako sa first batch na magsasalita and the topic that I chose was about animal cruelty.

"Sa AVR daw tayo ng junior high."

Tumango ako at tumahimik lang sa gilid habang tumatanaw sa labas. I formulated my own speech inside my head. Marami na akong nabasa tungkol sa mga laboratory animals at ginagamit sila sa for makeups and such. That's why I don't patronize products if they are not labeled as cruelty-free. 

Nang lumabas kami ng room ay marami kaming kasama pupunta sa building ng junior high. Our section is considered as the pilot section. Mataas ang tingin sa amin ng ibang section at minsan ay pressure rin 'yon para sa amin dahil mataas ang expectations nila lalo na sa mga competitions. Kasama kamin dalawa ni Olive sa first batch mas mauuna lamang siyang magsalita sa'kin.

There's a microphone stand in the middle of the stage. Naghumerantado ang puso ko nang dumating ang magiging tagapakinig namin. I bit my bottom lip as I heard them talking loudly. Dumami sila nang dumami at nakita ko ang grupo ng aking kapatid. Lumiit ang mga mata ko sa porma ng uniporme nila Gian at Ramsis. Ang tatlo naman nilang babaeng kaibigan ay tahimik lang na nakasunod sa kanilang dalawa.