Broken Beyond Repair

Chapter XXI: When Worlds Collide

[By now I hope you know readers discretion is advised, and please read this chapter in dark mode for the best experience.]

~Recap~

I love you Sophia, and you may not feel the same, but the chance you might read this is enough. Just to imagine your face and destroy the root of your trouble is my desire. I knew from the start that I could not have love. I didn't deserve it. So instead of destroying the object of my ultimate desire, I chose to destroy myself. . . . So this is my goodbye. My last words for you. I love you.

I love you. . . . .

~~~~~~~

He wrote a suicide note in the hope I might find it? He loved me and just wanted to see me. That was his dying wish. But he killed himself because of me. I'm the reason.

Another wind of emotions blew past me. It was colder this time. Darker. I could only imagine how he felt when I left him a letter saying goodbye. Possibly how I feel now. As if you had just lost the love of your life. I put him through what I am feeling now. Damien made the wrong choice, killing himself.

The true adversary was me. I was to blame.

One by one the letter became littered with tears. My heart felt like it was on fire. My breath was as cold as ice. I could function. This was all too much. If Damien could kill himself maybe I should? I wouldn't have to live in a world without him. I would be at rest and peaceful. It's what I wanted. I think?

I could die knowing he got his final wish, and I got mine. To be together and see one another one last time. The fantasy played out in my head. The relief that would overcome me was so alluring. The pain that would no longer exist.

Everything would be ok.

My mind snapped back into reality as I stared broken at the letter. A small snicker came from my mouth. Then which turned to a laugh. I began laughing hysterically. My mind seemed to get weaker and weaker with time. I didn't know what to feel. So I just laughed.

I laughed the pain away until I could feel no more. There was nothing left but an empty shell. Without him I was nothing. I suddenly got an urge to run. To find someone. Someone I knew. Someone from my past.

A strange woman named after a flower. A woman called Chrysanthemum. She has so much significance. I felt she could give me all the answers that I needed.

So I ran. Out of the house. Out of the neighborhood. I left Damien behind because I could shake the feeling something was wrong, and this woman could help me. Don't worry my love, I'll be with you soon. First I must finish this.

I ran into the street searching for someone. This woman I was trying to find, I don't remember who she is, but I know she had some significance. Her face haunted my memories as ones with Damien started to fade away. What was going on?! I could feel as more and more memories with him disappeared. Those were the only things I had left of him. I can't lose those memories. Please!

I saw the night I ran away from Damien, the night at the homeless shelter, and even thoughts of Anthony disappear. Everything I knew was gone. I was left with nothing. Was my brain playing a cruel trick on me from the loss of Damien?

Why was this happening to me?

After that, I couldn't move. My body froze, and I fell to the ground. Was my whole life just a lie. I-I just don't understand why this is happening to me! I sat staring at the cold concrete beneath my knees.

I sat there just staring. What else could I do? Damien was gone, Anthony was gone, I didn't have the energy to find this person. I couldn't even get back to Damien in time. I was just too tired. My life for the past weeks had been nothing but world shattering and torment. I had been run to the bone. Now I wouldn't be able to get to Damien in time. Just like him that was my only wish. To see him before I die. I knew that overtime I wouldn't be able to handle all this. I would be driven insane. That's why I left him. I knew it would lead to my death, but I didn't think about him. I was in the exact same situation. I lost someone I loved, and now I was too tired to go on.

I just wanted to see him again.

The same smile I saw the first time I met him. The warmth he brought me. I didn't care about the party anymore. Or any of that bull. I just wanted the person that I learned to care for. Damien is just a misunderstood person. I just wanted him back!

Is that too much to ask for!

I couldn't even cry anymore. I tried too. I had cried enough tears for a lifetime. There was nothing left. I had my arms wrapped around myself when I heard a voice. A woman's.

"Sophia get up," she said calmly

I looked up at this strange woman. Who would want to talk to me when I looked like a mad man. I surely wouldn't. But. I brought my head up to face them. I would lose all my pride. The woman, I knew her. But how? I started breathing heavily as I was driven insane by all this.

I found the woman I knew, but didn't. I forgot a lot about Damien. And. . . . um and someone else. Someone important to me. I couldn't remember their name! I looked back up to Chrys for some answer, but she still stood there with her hand out. "Sophia, get up."

Her words echoed in my mind. Somebody explain to me what is happening! What is wrong with me and why can't I think straight!?

I was yelling so loud in my mind, the sounds of the world seemed to dissipate. The world felt a bit blurring and hazing. But I was too confused to realize what was happening. I scream for something to end this torment. The world around me didn't matter, I just wanted peace and rest from this.

Finally, I stopped screaming. The hazy world began to crack. The woman in front of me shattered into a million pieces. I was really crazy now huh? I lurched backwards away from the glass like pieces. I didn't even want to begin to wrap my head around this. The street went quiet, but only for a moment then resumed crashing. Each object or person I looked at broken and shattered. Nowhere was safe, and the noise hurt my ears. What kind of cruel game was my mind playing?

JUST STOP!