Dear Ocean Sky

Chapter 17 | Alex

"It was weird. I haven't felt like this around another person since Adri-" A beat. "But then here comes this girl who I've really only known for about a month, and makes me feel close to her in just a few days. I can get close to her. I just don't understand. Today I actually almost asked her if she wanted to come over to my house this weekend, and I haven't had anyone over since...well yeah." Alex confessed to Hannah, her therapist. "Kata's great and all, and I'm really glad I found her, I'm just..." Alex trailed off, not knowing how to finish her sentence. Hannah waited patiently for Alex to find words to string together. It soon became evident that Alex didn't really know why she had any hesitation towards Kata. She just knew it was there.

"Do you think that maybe you're scared?" Hannah asked, her voice soft and gentle. Alex shrugged uselessly. Hannah waited again to see if Alex would say anything, but no words came out of her mouth. "Alex," she said in that voice only therapists had, that forced Alex to look up at her. It was a kind voice, but also urgent in some manner, yet calm. Really it made no sense. "It's normal to be afraid. You've been through something that no person should ever have to go through. Not only that, but you saw it as it was happening." Alex just shrugged again, the memory saddening her.

"I don't know," she answered truthfully, but some part of her knew that Hannah was right. This time when the two of them went quiet, Alex was the one to break the silence. "You didn't see her. She was so broken. That boy- that- that-" Alex could feel her anger rising as she thought of how Hunter had made Kata cry. Alex never expected anything like that from Kata. She always seemed so strong, but Hunter had broken her. "That bastard!" Alex screamed, then gave Hannah an apologetic look which the woman simply waved off. "I was afraid to get too close to anyone because I was afraid I would lose them, but I thought maybe this time I could do it. Then I saw the look in Kata's eyes, and I was terrified." Alex sounded so fragile and sad, but her emotions were beginning to swirl up, and her voice started rising in volume. "I've only ever seen that look in one other person, and that person is no longer here. He's dead! My best friend is dead and I couldn't save him!" By now Alex was starting to shake as tears formed in her eyes. She felt her breathing becoming abnormal. "What if Kata goes down the same path? I can't lose someone else. I don't know that I'll be able to get past it." Alex stopped talking in an attempt to get her breathing back to normal, but it didn't work. Before she knew what was happening, Alex could feel Hannah's arms keeping her grounded.

"Dig your feet into the ground," Hannah commanded gently. Alex dug her toes into the bottom of her converse while focusing on making her breaths deeper. "Five things you can see," Hannah said, the voice of another human keeping Alex from sobbing.

"Your chair." Breath. "The carpet." Breath. "My shoes." Breath. "The Snoopy statue." Breath. "That pillow."

"Good," Hannah said, stepping away from Alex and sitting back in the chair across from her once Alex was breathing normally again. "Alex, do you want me to talk to your mom about having you see me every week again instead of every other?" Hannah suggested gently. Alex nodded, squeezing the remaining tears out of her eyes. She felt bad to ask her mom to pay for more therapy than she already was, but getting to see Hannah once a week gave her a little bit of peace to hold onto. She would only have to survive a week at a time before getting to break down and have someone help her through.

Once Adrain died, Alex had started living second by second. To minute by minute. To day by day. Finally, week by week. If she looked too far in the future she couldn't take it. Every morning her first thought, when she woke up, was how much she missed her best friend, and if she thought about how she would feel like that every morning for the rest of her life, she couldn't take it. She would be paralyzed in fear, in sadness, so instead, she just told herself she could make it to the end of the week without being crushed by the weight of her guilt and grieving. Then the next. And the next.