Project LOKI ③

Chapter 50: The Final Equation I

A/N: This is the beginning of the end. Sorry to have kept you waiting. Brace yourselves. The final wave of updates is upon us!

LORELEI

"How are you coping, Lorelei?"

I SWALLOWED the lump in my throat as I intently listened to Dr. Theresa Pierre's question. Huminga ako nang malalim at sandaling ipinikit ang aking mga mata. Hindi tulad sa mga classmate ko tuwing tinatanong ako kung ayos lang ba ako, hindi ko kailangang magpanggap na "okay ako" kahit hindi talaga. I could be transparent in front of her. There's no need for pretenses.

"I'm still in the process of trying to accept my dad's death." My eyes looked down as my fingers pinched the others, but not too hard that I would feel any pain. Medyo namula ang mga daliri ko. "Sometimes I lead myself to believe that his death is one of the passages in a book that I never want to read again."

"You're trying to avoid it?"

My eyes flicked up, looking at her. "I distract myself most of the time, lalo na kapag naaalala ko ang nangyari sa kanya. Pero alam n'yo ho ba kung ano ang mas masakit? 'Yong what ifs na mananatiling what-ifs na lang. I can't help but feel regret for those possibilities that did not and can no longer happen."

During my morning break today, I decided to pay a visit to the guidance and counseling office on the ground floor. Since there have been several traumatic incidents in Clark High, the school administration has decided to hire an experienced therapist who would lend an ear to students who need to cope with the situation.

At first, I was hesitant to schedule for counseling. Wala kasi akong tiwala na makatutulong ang mga ganitong session upang mapabuti ang nararamdaman ko. When I had a traumatic experience in my previous Alma Mater, my dad asked me to undergo therapy session to ease the trauma. I had no choice so I went to whoever his secretary chose as my therapist. And I was not impressed. He only pretended to listen to my stories and gave me generic advice each time we had a session.

Since then, I have always believed that I could heal myself. I could always keep my feelings to myself. At ngayong may mga kaibigan na ako, meron na talagang willing na makinig sa akin. 'Yong hindi napipilitang makinig sa kung ano ang pinagdaraanan ko.

But thanks to Alistair insisting that I give it a try, I found myself standing before the counseling office. Doon na ako nagsimulang magpa-schedule ng one-on-one session. To my surprise, my first talk with Dr. Pierre was quite liberating. I had low expectations when I came in, but her attitude kept me glued to my seat. She wasn't pretending to listen. She was actually listening. Slowly she unpacked the psychological and emotional baggage that I was carrying.

Today's my third session. Since our first memorable meeting, I started to warm up to her. Gently I brought my walls down and let her see my vulnerabilities. Hinayaan ko siyang masilip kung ano ang iniisip at nararamdaman ko. I had trust issues when opening up to people. But whenever I'm inside her office, I feel safe sharing my thoughts and feelings with her.