🍃🌹 He was a nerd, she was a bitch. She broke his heart. He promised to break her heart.
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"Goodnight, love."
I was stunned. Did I hear him right? Or I'm being delusional!? But yeah, my system is fully awake already to miss those words.
Do you think I won't cry? Do you think I'll be fine? I don't think so. Tears just flow heavily down my face and that scared me. No, Jungkook. I don't think after this I have the face to look at you. Why do you have to say that? Why do you have to lie?
It would have been easier if you just let whatever this is end the natural way. You, still hating me because at this moment, I don't want to get my hopes up. I'm scared because I know to myself that I still love every bit of you but if this game you are playing is just to hurt me again then no, my answer is no.
I have to go.
He was peacefully sleeping and I could see the calmness in his face one that I haven't seen for long. Because whenever we're together the tension within us is suffocating.
I watch him peacefully sleep and though I was hesitant, I caress his face memorizing every detail. "I...... I wish it's easier for me to tell you everything. I wish life was just simple enough for us to be together from the start. I wish I was brave enough in the past instead of letting you go." I don't know why I said those words. But this was the only closest thing for me to come clean. I've been wanting to let it all out. To set it all free. And even though he was asleep, I found the courage to say what I wanted to say. I was already sobbing hard while I gently watch him sleep and touch his beautiful face. " I hated myself for such a long time for leaving you Jungkook. It was the biggest regret I had. But I had no choice. I wish I did." I laugh at my thoughts sarcastically. Like trying to convince me that it's fine but No, it was never fine. " I love you so much you don't know how much I'm willing to give up just for you....and Justin. I wish that there'd be a time I can freely tell you about him. And that it won't ruin you if I do. Because I already ruined you too much I don't want to do the same mistakes again."
It was hard for me. So hard I wanted to give up. There were so many times I thought about what could have life been if I hadn't met Jungkook. What have I become? Maybe by this day I already am married, forced. Maybe had children. Maybe life was easier but I bet I wouldn't be happier.
It would still probably be the same. Me living in a world where I am again prisoned to a life I never wanted to live. So I guess even though these times were very painful, I'd still choose this route. Atleast I was once happy. And he also gave me the best gift life could offer. And that's Justin.
Slowly, I stood up took my clothes, and wear them back. I watch him one last time and kiss his temples before finally going out.
This had happened twice already. I left his house feeling empty and lost. But I feel dejected this time around, everything seems worse. But I won't let my hopes up. I have to guard my heart more. Because I don't think I'd ever recover if this is all just a game he's playing.
