Love Is Messy, Love Is Sweet

Chapter 18

I couldn't bring myself to go back to my bakery. I knew a supportive Naomi would be waiting for me and I already knew what she would say.

"I know you're just scared, Sydney. It's daunting putting yourself out there and finding love for the first time, then hearing this and thinking of being able to be Sophie's mother...But you can't run from this." Would be something along the lines of her wise words. And then the confession of Lucas's was another portion of what had me up all night long the rest of the weekend. I loved him but I was torn. All the what if's were haunting my mind. What if it didn't work out or I messed something up. I wouldn't just be breaking Lucas's heart but little Sophie's too. And I had no idea how to be a mother. To comfort her when she's sad or what to say when she has a first crush or a boy breaks her heart for the first time.

"Hey," I heard his voice that startled me as Lucas trudged through thick snow coming over to my bench.

"Naomi told me you were here," sitting down next to me on the cold park bench.

"So, what's going on? I can tell something's wrong." Lucas nervously scratched the stubble on his face.

I knew what I had to say was going to be painful and I didn't want to hurt him. What I didn't expect was this breakup, unlike any other breakup before, to hurt me like a thousand knives slicing my neck.

"I-I think we should...I j-just can't do this," I was barely able to mumble through the constricting pain.

"Just like that. It's how it goes with you, isn't it? The second anyone feels something for you, you make a run for it," He said coldly, sounding offended with a little ferocity in his voice.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"No, you're not! I knew it! I knew saying I loved you would have you scared. I knew you weren't ready for it or didn't even feel the same for me." He jumped from the bench and started pacing back and forth in front of me. Realizing he was upset with me and jumping to conclusions but he was mostly upset with himself for being so vulnerable with me and that pierced my gut with an unbearable pain.

"That's not true! I-I-..." I wanted to tell him I loved him too but it wouldn't make him feel better if I still had to separate myself from them, for Sophie.

"I can't be what she needs, Lucas, I'm sorry."

"What?" He stopped pacing and looked at me confused.

"Sophie...she needs a mom. She wants a mom." I thought about showing him the video so he'd understand but decided not to. It would just hurt him even more.

"Hey, for once this shouldn't be about Sophie! I want things too! And I want you!" He said sternly but sounded broken inside.

"I'd never ask anything of you other than to just be who you are. That's who I want!" His eyes were pleading with everything he had inside him as he desperately took my hand as if I'd float away.

"I'm not asking you to be her mom. I just wanted you to take a chance on me, on us," he said so sweetly and I couldn't hold back the tears that started trickling down my face.

"I c-can't. I'm s-sorry." I whispered through my sniffles and walked away before I'd shatter into pieces in front of him. Breaking his hold on my hand which felt like cutting the tether to the rope that somehow kept me grounded. Do I even know who I am anymore without Lucas?

***

Apparently not! Because as the week went on I wasn't able to function or get anything right!

"Shit!" I whispered out loud to myself pulling the batch of croissants out of the oven that I had forgotten about and left them in there five minutes too long causing them to burn on the tips of their flaky casing.

Every second of the day and even in my dreams, Lucas's voice kept haunting me with his pleading words.

"I want you! I'd never ask anything of you other than to just be who you are. That's who I want!"

I went back to my old ways and strived for perfection, but I realized I'm not the same person I once was. I'm not the meticulous type anymore who only wants perfection. What I once saw as perfect now seems boring and plain. I want to see the flaws in the food because those little mistakes make you want to eat it. I scanned the display cases of my bakery to try to find the messy imperfections that once made me laugh. The smiley faces on the food, the messy gingerbread Christmas tree, the bright colorful frosting that isn't there anymore. Maybe I was trying to find those messy imperfections wanting to be reminded of the memories of Lucas and Sophie. To keep the painful reminder at the forefront of my heart at how much I miss them. How empty my life felt with their messy love.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Naomi walks into the kitchen shocked and a little outraged.

"That's the Fickeisen's Christmas cake!" shouting at me again as I took another bite of gingerbread off the cake.

"Well, I keep messing up so I figured I'd just eat my mistakes," shrugging my shoulders and indulging in another bite.

"Alright, what's going on with you? First, you burn the croissants, and now this!" Naomi sat down next to me and I slumped my head down smacking the counter feeling like I should just give up on life at this point.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Naomi. My life isn't the same without them in it but I can't bring myself to go to them! I can't! I just know I'd mess it up somehow and they deserve better than me! I'm destined to be alone and it's all my doing!"

"Sydney! You shouldn't be afraid of falling in love. Just because you're a product of a love that didn't last doesn't mean that you're doomed."

"But this isn't just about me! It's Sophie! She needs a mother. She deserves a mother, and I don't know if I am mother material."

"Sydney, just think about how amazing Sophie is. She was raised by Lucas all alone and he had no damn clue what he was doing. All that girl needs is someone to love her like Lucas does and to try their best at being there for her. And I know that person is you!" Naomi said kindly and supportively but I slumped my head to the counter again.

"He probably hates me by now anyway."

"You love Lucas but you put your feelings aside worrying about Sophie and you hurt him in the process. You need to fix this and I know you can. They've changed you and I feel like they've made you more...I can't say messy but it's like you're more comfortable with what life throws at you, you know. And most importantly, I've seen the three of you together and you know what I see?"

"What?" I asked curiously.

"A family. A perfect, loving family."

"Thank you, Naomi." I threw myself into a loving hug with her.