𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐔𝐋𝐄𝐒 ~ 𝒛𝒅𝒉

Chapter Eighteen: You've started to mean too much to me

From the moment I start running, I don't stop. My head is numb, it's like my feet are guiding me to wherever I'm going. I don't even realise where my steps are taking me, until I'm standing in front of the cemetery gates.

As I find my way through the headstones, trying to find the one I'm looking for, I feel my heart pounding fast, in a rhythm that doesn't feel natural. This place makes me feel anxious, but I know I needed to come here.

And then I find it. The grave, the headstone with her name on it. Gina Wilson. My mom.

I collapse on my knees, every single bit of sanity left draining from my body. Tears make their way down, hundreds at a time, as my heart keeps flinching, over and over again.

I clench my fists, trying to hold on to something that's already gone. "I'm sorry, Mom," i weap. "I'm sorry for everything I did."

The version I created of myself after she passed away, isn't me. All that stuff I did, or didn't care about, that wasn't me. It was someone who was lost. Who still is lost.

"I'm sorry I disappointed you, Mom. I never meant to." My whole body is shaking, my chest heavily rising and going down again.

All her life, everything Mom did was trying to make me into a great person. Be kind, have respect, don't give up, all those lessons I learnt from her. And as soon as she was gone, I forgot about them. Or no, I ignored them. Because ignoring the truth was easier than facing it. Less scary.

"I tried, Mom," I cry, hugging myself. "I really tried, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it, not without you pushing me through it. So I gave up, and I know that's the last thing you would've wanted. I'm so sorry."

What would she think of me if she saw me like this? With the mess I created around myself, with the mess I made from myself? How did I let things get this far? Why did I let this happen? How could I have disappointed her like this?

But then I feel a soft hand touching my shoulder, pulling me straight back into reality, followed by someone sitting down next to me. I glance sideways, trying to see a thing through the blur of the tears, and stare right into Zach's face.

His gaze isn't focused on me, he's looking at the headstone, his brows furrowed. "Your mom?" he then suddenly asked.

I slowly nod, blinking away my tears. "Cancer." My body's still shuddering, sobs leaving my mouth.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, still staring in front of him.

"What are you doing here, Zach?" I softly ask, tears flowing down silently.

"You didn't think I was just gonna let you run away from me, did you? After you were so upset?" He now looks at me, but it's not sympathy I see in his eyes. He doesn't look at me like I'm weak. He looks like he understands.

"How did you know I was here? Did you follow me?" I ask.

Zach scratches the back of his neck. "I called Paige, to ask where you might went. She told me you were probably here."

I open my mouth to say something, but the words don't come. It's like they're stuck somewhere in my throat, and the only thing that comes out are sobs. I try suppressing them, but then I let go and break down again.

"She would've despised me. I'm not the daughter she raised, the daughter she would want me to be," I weep.

Zach inches closer and hooks an arm around my shoulder, pulling me close to his body. I collapse against his chest, my tears soaking his shirt, but he doesn't seem to care. All he does is rest his chin softly on my head, holding on tightly to my body. I don't ever, ever wanna let go of him.