𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐔𝐋𝐄𝐒 ~ 𝒛𝒅𝒉

Chapter Fourteen: It's never gonna be over

I don't think I have ever once in my life experienced something more awkward than this. Zach and I, together in one room, after I just snapped at him and he looked incredibly hurt.

Luckily, we found the phone pretty quickly after that, and are now rushing out the locker room before anyone can catch us. Between us is a silence, both of us not saying a word. We wouldn't know what to say anyway.

Because of the little chat with Coach Bowen we lost a lot of time, and only have thirty minutes left to bring the phone to Jack, let him decode it and put it back where we found it, all before practice is over. It's gonna be a challenge, to say the least.

Zach and I run as fast as we can to the place where we agreed to meet Jack again. Luckily we find him there, looking impatient and frustrated.

"What took you so long? I told you I at least need twenty minutes to get into that phone." Jack looked at his watch, his foot tapping nervously on the floor.

"Well, it's gonna have to take a little less than that, because in thirty minutes the phone has to be back in Jonah's backpack," I let him know as I hand him the phone.

"Let's go to work then." Within two seconds, he takes his laptop, flips it open, connects it with the phone, and starts typing with an incredibly concentrated face. That leads to Zach and I awkwardly standing next to each other in silence, both trying to figure out what to say, but not coming up with anything.

But then he breaks the silence. "You're never gonna trust me," he whispered, running his hands through his hair.

His conclusion overwhelms me. "What do you mean?"

"You don't trust me. Even after everything, you still don't trust me." I can hear the despair in his voice, making my heart break.

"That's not true. I do trust you," I protest, but knowing it's not the truth I'm telling here. I don't trust him, because I don't know how to anymore. I lost that skill when I lost Mom.

"You don't, but I don't blame you, Harley. I have a feeling you've been through more than I know of and can even imagine," Zach whispered. "And the last thing I wanted to do was to pressure you, and I'm so sorry I did, but it just hurts to know you still don't trust me, whatever the reason may be."

No. He's figuring it out, and that can't happen. I know telling him the truth about Mom would make everything easier, but I'm not ready to do this right now. I have to come up with something, to buy me more time.

"How can I trust you if I don't even know who you are? I mean, I know nothing about you. You said you can't tell me your reason for wanting to take Jonah down because it doesn't matter, and you're right, it doesn't, but how can you expect me to trust you when the only thing I know about you is your name?"

As I say those things, with the intention of it being a lie or an excuse, I realise my past isn't the only thing that's holding me back from trusting Zach. It's his. I know absolutely nothing about his past.

And yet I have feelings for him, when I don't even know him. How can you like someone when you don't know who they are? Why do I feel like he's becoming everything to me, when we only met a week ago and know nothing about each other? Why do I feel this way, when I know I can't?

Zach sighs. "You're right. I haven't been honest with you, I know. It just didn't feel necessary because I thought this was only gonna be revenge, but honestly, Harley, that's not how I feel anymore." And then he steps closer, reducing the space between us, and my heart skips a beat. "And if you want me to be honest, I will."

My cheeks start burning, trying to look for something to say. But just as I'm about to open my mouth, Jack shouts. "I transferred the files, guys. It's done, you can bring the phone back."

I sigh relieved, glad our moment is interrupted, so I have more time to figure out a response. "Let's go, it's almost time."

I grab the phone out of Jack's hands, and start sprinting to the locker room again, with zach right behind me. Checking my watch, I see we only have five minutes left, so we have to hurry.

We run as fast as possible to the sport area, but I abruptly stop when I notice the football field from afar. There's no one playing anymore.

"Zach." I feel my heartbeat raising. "The field is empty."

Zach now notices it as well, and runs his hands through his hair. "We're too late, practice is already over. They must have stopped a few minutes early," he whispered. "We can't get to the locker room anymore, to put back the phone."

I stare at the phone in my hand. "But that means.."

"That means there's nothing more we can do."

Those last words echo in my head. There's nothing more we can do. Zach, from all people, said the exact words the doctor told Dad and I when Mom's heart decided to stop beating. The words telling me I lost her.

My heart starts pounding and my breathing gets heavy, as all those memories come back. Because just like then, I failed. What would Mom think of me when she saw me doing this? Stealing a phone?

My palms get sweaty, my head gets dizzy, and I know exactly what's happening. I'm having a panic attack.

"Harley? Are you okay?" Zach's voice sounds distant and unclear.

I put my shaky hand on my chest, and can almost feel my heart bursting out of my chest. "I think.. I think I'm having a panic attack again," I whisper, my breathing out of control now, my chest going up and down underneath my hand.

My vision gets even more blurry, my knees start shaking, and for a moment I'm scared I'm gonna lose my balance and collapse. But then I feel two strong hands on my shoulders, guiding me to sit down on the floor.

"Harley." Zach's voice sounds like it's miles away from me. "Focus on my voice, focus on me." I feel him taking my hand, giving it small squeezes. "Breathe."

I try to remember what to do when this happens, but my mind feels empty. Carefully I try to slow my breathing, focussing on Zach's soft voice. Slowly I start to calm down.

"It's okay, just breathe," Zach repeated, his thumb rubbing the palm of my hand. "It's okay."

Slowly everything starts clearing up again, the fog disappearing from my head. And then Zach's face appears again, his eyes staring worriedly at me.

"Are you okay again? Is it over?" he whispered softly, slowly wiping away a tear on my cheek that I didn't even noticed fell down.

But that's the thing. It's never gonna be over. Just as I think I'm ready to open up, the panic hits. I can't do this. I will never be able to do this.

"I have to go. I'm sorry." Before he can stop me, I jump up and start running faster than ever. I hear him calling my name, but I don't look back. I keep running, without a care of where I'm going. As long as it's not with him.