𝐁𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐑𝐔𝐋𝐄𝐒 ~ 𝒛𝒅𝒉

Chapter Fifteen: If I don't, my heart will break itself

With a shaking hand I ring the bell of Paige's house. I ran all the way here, because with my mind upset and my heart hurting I couldn't think of anything else. Let's hope her parents aren't home, so they don't have to witness my breakdown.

A few seconds later Paige opens the door, and as she sees me, confusion and worry appears in her eyes. "Harley? What's wrong?"

I try opening my mouth to tell her everything that just happened, but not any sound leaves it. I don't even know how to put this all in words.

"What happened?" Paige looks incredibly worried, softly putting her hands on my shoulders to look me in the eyes.

"It happened again," I manage to say, as tears well up in my eyes. "The panic attack, it happened again."

And then I finally break down, thousand of tears leaving my body. Paige immediately steps forward, pulling me close and wrapping her arms around me. I start sobbing uncontrollably, my whole body shaking.

"It's okay," she whispered, slowly rubbing my back. "You're safe now."

A relieved but still shaky sigh leaves my mouth. This is what I needed. My best friend.

Then I realise something. "Shit, I forgot you were watching your brother. I'm sorry I just barged in like this," I say worried.

"Don't be silly, you know you have to come to me when you have a panic attack, no matter what the case is. I won't let you deal with this on your own," she soothed. "And besides that, he's taking a nap, so you don't have to worry about him."

Then she takes my hand and slowly leads me to her living room and couch, because my body's still shaking from the tears.

I sit down at her couch, as Paige walks to her kitchen. A few seconds later she comes back with a teapot and two mugs. "Here, drink some tea. Consuming hot drinks is good for anxiety." She poured some of the tea in a mug and hands it to me.

I softly smile. Two years ago, when the panic attacks started, Paige was determined to help me every step of the way. She started reading and learning about panic attacks and anxiety, so she knew what to do when it happened. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.

"So, tell me what happened. Spare no detail." She took a sip of her tea.

I take a deep breath. "Well, to start, we failed. I mean, in some way. We got the phone, Jack decoded it and transferred the files, but we couldn't put it back in time. So now we have the files, but also still the phone. A phone stolen from someone who's already pretty pissed at me."

Paige's jaw drops to the floor. "No way. What went wrong?"

I tell her the whole story, from getting caught by Coach Bowen, him asking about soccer and Mom, to me snapping at Zach. "So yeah," I conclude. "I got pretty mad at him."

Paige stayed silent for a moment. "Did he look hurt?" she asked softly.

I sigh, my heart aching as I think back to that moment. "Incredibly hurt. After we found the phone, we brought it to Jack, and while we were waiting he of course had to start a talk about it. A talk about how I still didn't trust him."

"How can you fully trust him if we know nothing about him?" Paige scoffed.

"That's what I said. But then he answered I was right, and was about to open up about the whole reason he hates Jonah so much, but then Jack was done and we had to bring the phone back."

"No way! He was gonna tell you?" Paige shouted astonished.

"I was surprised as well. But anyway, we ran back, to find the football field empty. The team had already finished practice, so we couldn't get into the locker rooms again. And that leaves me with this." I take Jonah's phone out of my pocket, showing it to her.

"And that's why you panicked? Because you couldn't bring back the phone in time?" Paige concluded.

"Not exactly. Zach tried calming me down, and said 'There's nothing we can do anymore'," I whisper, shivers going through my body, as I say those words. I hate them.

"The words the doctors said," Paige stated, with an even softer voice.

"Exactly. So yeah, I had a panic attack because of that, he calmed me down, and I ran away."

"You did what?" Paige shouted.

"I know, not my best move." I sigh. "But I just didn't know what to do, Paige. He was so incredibly sweet, even after I snapped and yelled at him, and I just couldn't take it. That boy has too much patience with me."

"What do you mean?" Paige asked.

"All I'm trying to do is shutting him out, so he gives up, because that means I don't have to. But he doesn't. He stays, no matter how hard I try to make him leave."

"But are you really trying?" Paige carefully asked. "To me it sounds like you want to shut him out, but can't because your feelings are in the way. Because to be honest, if you really wanted to, you would've made him leave a long time ago. But you didn't."

I think about that for a second. She's right. I know I can't shut out Zach. My heart can't take having him, but it can't take losing him either.

"I guess you're right," I admit. "God, I don't even know what I want. Either way, it's a broken heart. Because if I tell him how I feel, I'll end up hurt. But if I don't, my heart will break itself."

"Why don't you just ask him to meet up tomorrow morning before school? You can come up with a plan for the phone, you can explain why you ran away, and he can tell you what he was planning to when Jack interrupted," Paige suggested.

"Telling him why I ran away? Do you mean telling him about Mom?" I feel panic arising, just thinking about doing that.

"That depends on you. You can start with telling about the panic attacks, and if that feels well, you can go into a little more detail about the real reason," Paige explained. "Just see what happens. But please, Harley, don't shut him out. Not yet."

"I'll do that," I whisper, staring at the mug in my hands. "Thank you, Paige. I don't know what I would do without you."

She smiled softly. "That's what a best friend is for."

Time skip

Slowly I open the front door of my house. I figured I had to go home eventually, I couldn't stay with Paige forever.

I enter the living room, and see Dad sitting at the table, a sigaret between his lips. It's not lit, it never is. Mom didn't want him to smoke, but after she passed Dad bought countless of packs with sigarets, put them in his mouth one by one every day, but never lit one. I guess he's trying to fool himself he's ready for a change, without committing to one. Which is pointless. It only makes him weak.

Dad looks up, the sigaret dangling between his teeth. He looks at my face for a moment, at my red eyes and flushed cheeks, and for a moment I hold my breath, thinking he's finally gonna notice something. But then he looks down again, not saying a word.

I sigh. The only person who's fooling herself is me. I'm the weak one.