always. // dm.

21 - your one and only, ellie.

Dear my Beloved Mr. Malfoy.

I know you hate that name, but it was one of my favorites, even though I barely called you by it.

I've been procrastinating on writing this. Mostly because I've been realizing more and more that you are really gone. I keep replaying that moment in my brain, you being killed. It is an everlasting pain that feels as though it will never go away.

Seeing you, like that, hurt me more than anything else. My heart broke into a million pieces before the spell even hit your body. You were looking at me, as if we were the only two beings in the entire castle. The eye contact that I live for, your grey eyes. God, one of my favorite parts of your looks was your incredible eyes. They were filled with tears, too involved. Too knowing. Too broken.

When I heard that a Death Eater was going to kill one of his own, I rushed to the scene, praying and hoping that it wasn't my blonde boy, you. But, it was.

The moment I saw you with your fathers own wand placed towards your figure, I wished it was me. I wanted to just protect you, kill your father, hug you, kiss you, love you. But of course, I was too late.

To be honest, Draco, you've changed my life completely. My life did a 180° flip because of you. I met you as a muggleborn, hurt, broken, feeling completely useless. You changed me into someone who learned to love again. You helped me believe that love is the answer, not death or pain.

Hermione keeps telling me that I'm in denial over your death and that I need to accept that you're in a better place. I don't know anywhere that's better than cuddling up with eachother on a cold, Saturday morning. Books, coffee, my Draco. I've never been in a happier place than with you.

Remember the Quidditch pitch, Draco? Where you admitting you were keeping my hands warm by holding them. I know you wanted to touch me, I've always known. Now, with you not here anymore, I've been so alone. No more hugs, kisses, passion. Every emotion I've ever had has disappeared, like an ice cube on hot pavement. All I can feel is numbness, nothing.

I can't explain how much I miss you. Just you, you and your beautiful eyes. You and your beautiful smile, hair, body, personality. I miss the way you would make me laugh until I couldn't breathe, love until I couldn't love anymore, smile until my cheeks hurt. The way you made my entire heart race and my veins corse with adrenaline. The way you made me fall instantly for you. Just you.

I took those times, those special times, way more than, say, granted. Our minds clicked almost immediately. Faster than mine has with anybody else, muggles or not. I took a liking to you and it turned into way more.

We fell hard for each other, no doubt. Almost quite literally, when I jumped out that window, down to you. You were hurt, your ankle never got to be fixed or heal. You still protected me, telling me to leave you there instead. When you killed You-Know-Who. You've always protected me, whether I needed or wanted you to, or not.

Especially when Kayla left, and I wanted to pitch myself off the astronomy tower. You helped me in ways I didn't even need or ask for. You supported every decision I ever made, even if it went against your own or changed your plans. You never hurt me intentionally or felt as though you were angry enough to hit me. Even if we were in the worst argument we've ever had, you never, ever, abused me. Most of all, you helped me through everything. By hugging me, holding my hand, telling me everything would be okay.

Draco, you helped me by being, well, you.

And then now, with you not here, I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact of you being dead. Never would I have even imagined you being killed.

But, the thing is, Draco, I can still feel you. I can still feel your stubborn ass in my room. Under my sheets. In the common room. In the corridors and Great Hall. I still feel you everywhere. Maybe it's just me being dumb and in denial, but I swear to Merlin I can still feel you with me, all the time.

How can I make you come back to me, down to Earth? How can I make you come back to life and help me, just by comforting me? God, please just come back. Because I fucking miss you so much.

I miss the sneaking out at night to the astronomy tower, when nobody else was awake. I miss seeing you in your black suit. I miss walking into the common room and seeing you curled up on the sofa with a book, the fire blazing. I miss cuddling with you, passionate kisses with you, studying, reading, whatever we did; I miss it.

But I know that, wherever you are, if you're watching over me or not, that you're happier. I know you can't come back, I know I'll see you again. But that can't push away the fact that you're gone.

You're gone. I never said it back. Before we got separated you told me that you loved me. I wanted to scream, yell, tell you that I love you more than absolutely anything in this entire universe. But I couldn't.

Here, in this letter that I am writing to you, I am saying it.

I love you so fucking much, Draco Malfoy.

More than anything. My mom, dad, brother, Hermione, Harry, Ron, myself. Just, everyone.

You showed me another way, when all I wanted to do was give up. You showed me that love is the answer, not killing myself or disappearing from the face of the Earth. You, Draco Malfoy, showed me that love is a special thing and that I am able to love. Because I love you.

I'll see you again soon, that is my last promise to you.

With all of my heart, soul, and much more,

Your one and only,

Ellie.